Jeanne Browne

8 Lessons We Can Learn From the “Gray Divorce” of Bill and Melinda Gates

When one of the world’s wealthiest couples announces their divorce after decades of marriage, the world takes notice. Perhaps it’s easy to dismiss the wave of stories about the divorce of Bill and Melinda Gates as just so much celebrity fluff. After all, what do we mere mortals have in common with people worth $130 billion, right? Perhaps more than you think. 

When I first heard about their split, I was saddened, as I always am when I hear about the end of a marriage. I have compassion for Bill and Melinda, and I worry about the impact the split will have on their children, as I expressed in this earlier blog post. I wish the Gateses nothing but the best and hope the process goes smoothly for them and for their family. 

But as I’ve continued to think about it, I realize there are many reasons to pay attention to their story. There are lessons to learn and warnings to heed. As an attorney, I cringe a bit hearing some of the details of their situation and I find myself anticipating pitfalls they may encounter as they go through the process. They’ve asked for privacy, and I’m sure they’ll keep many aspects of their situation confidential. Still, even with the little we know, this high-profile case provides an opportunity to consider how all of us—whether marriage hopefuls, newlyweds, or seasoned spouses—can evaluate our own situations and ensure we have planned and prepared for both the best and the worst outcomes. 

While US Divorce Rates Trending Down, “Gray Divorce” is On the Rise 

None of us wants to be a statistic. Unfortunately, Bill and Melinda Gates are part of a growing trend in the United States called “gray divorce.” According to Pew Research, divorce in the US is generally on the decline—except for married people over the age of 50. Since 1990, the over-50 divorce rate has more than doubled, and for the over-65 crowd it has more than tripled. As of this writing, Bill and Melinda are 65 and 56 respectively, so they fall neatly inside the group most at risk for so-called gray divorce. 

Why is this happening? Why are couples splitting up after decades of marriage? There’s no one reason and no simple answer. The US Census reports the current life expectancy for women is 82 years, for men it’s slightly lower at 77 years--and for both genders, we’re living longer. It’s easy to imagine an unhappily married person might do the math and decide they have years or even decades of life ahead of them... and they don’t want to spend it with a spouse they no longer love. Perhaps, too, the fact that women have more financial opportunities and empowerment than their mothers and grandmothers did means they’re less likely to feel trapped in a marriage and stay purely for financial security. There are many other contributing factors to the increase in gray divorce trends too, of course, and if you want to dig more deeply into the topic, The Gray Divorce Revolution is a study worth reading.  

Whatever the reasons (and there are many), the numbers are clear: gray divorce is on the rise. Rather than feel disheartened by the trend, we would be wise to look for the warnings and then take deliberate steps to avoid becoming part of it.  

What Can We Learn from the Divorce of Bill and Melinda Gates? More Than You Think! 

The media can be unkind, but as caring human beings, the rest of us find no joy or entertainment in the misfortunes of others—not even when the “others” are among the wealthiest people on the planet. What we can do, however, is try to learn from them. Consider these eight lessons and ask yourself how you might apply them to your life and marriage. 

Lesson #1: No Matter How Many Good Days You Have Behind You, Good Days Ahead Aren’t Guaranteed 

One lesson to be learned from Bill and Melinda and the increasing number of late-in-life divorces is that no matter how long you’ve been married, there’s no guarantee you’ll stay married. You must work constantly to keep communication open and productive, to strive for mutual love and support, to work toward improvement of the self and the marriage, and to check in with one another often to learn how to best foster your partner’s happiness. 

Lesson #2: Money Doesn’t Buy Happiness

Watching celebrity splits always reminds me that the well-known adage is true: money can’t buy happiness! If it could, certainly Bill and Melinda would be among the happiest people on earth, and their marriage would have been indestructible. Financial success is no indicator of marital success and wealth is no buffer against hardships or mistakes. At a recent event in Sun Valley packed with billionaires (many of whom we can guess are probably divorced themselves!), Bill openly stated that the divorce was “his fault” and that he was responsible for “messing up” (by many accounts, it was not a one-time dalliance to which he was referring). For the average person facing occasional or prolonged financial difficulties, it might be hard to understand why a couple who has it all can’t seem to keep it all together. The fact of the matter is that whether rich, poor, or anywhere in between, all married people are just human and they all face the same types of human challenges—both throughout a marriage and during a divorce. For those going through a gray divorce, money can be a particularly contentious subject as both parties realize their years of earning potential are fewer now than when they married, and the wealth they acquired over the past several years and decades feels suddenly in jeopardy. 

Lesson #3: Divorce Is Tough on the Kids, Even When the Kids Are All Grown Up 

According to people close to the couple, Bill and Melinda had been living separate lives for years and that they delayed divorce proceedings at least in part because they didn’t want to split up until after their youngest child had graduated from high school. Many couples make the decision to “stay together for the kids.” One thing I always try to remind parents is that no matter how old your kids are when you get divorced, your split will take a mental and emotional toll on them. They will have questions, concerns, and pain, and they will need time and support to heal—even if they are technically adults when their parents’ marriage ends. The idea that “they’re adults so they’ll be fine” is completely untrue. If you’re going through a gray divorce yourself, be mindful of the many negative ways your adult children may be affected, and do your best to help them through the healing process. 

Lesson #4: Avoid Litigation and Use a Mediator or Collaborative Attorney Instead 

One reason parents may put off what they believe is an inevitable divorce is to spare their young children the trauma of having to go to court. If that’s why Bill and Melinda waited, and it wasn't because they were actively working to fix their marriage and resolve their differences, I hope they were fully aware of the benefits of using mediation or collaborative services. With both of these non-litigation approaches to divorce, control remains with the couple and their attorneys instead of being handed over to a judge. Children’s concerns and preferences are weighed more seriously. And with a collaborative divorce, there is a child specialist whose role is specifically to ensure the children’s welfare and best interest are treated as paramount. 

I’m guessing the cost of divorce attorneys wasn’t a major consideration for the Gateses, but for those of us who aren’t independently wealthy, cost is always a concern—and both mediation and collaborative services are often less expensive than going through litigation. Even if you can “afford” to hire the best attorney to protect your personal financial interests, if you have children of any age, please consider pursuing mediation or collaborative services. In my experience, outcomes are far more positive, enforceable, and healthier for all members of the family if you can avoid litigation. 

Lesson #5: A Prenuptial Agreement Helps Protect Everyone in the Family

I was certainly surprised (as I’m sure you were) to learn that the Gateses didn’t enter into their 1994 marriage with a prenuptial agreement. After all, Bill had become a billionaire in 1987 and had been included on the Forbes list of the world’s wealthiest people every year since. Melinda, on the other hand, was one of his employees at Microsoft. In 1994 when they married, Bill was the richest man in the United States with a net worth of $9.35 billion, and Melinda was still his employee. The financial imbalance was dramatic, and the potential for problems was obvious. We can only assume that when they married, they believed it would last forever, just as everyone does.  

The radical financial disparity between Bill and Melinda makes their situation highly unusual, but financial imbalance exists to some degree at the outset of most marriages. Even if you just know you’ll stay together forever, going through the process of putting together a prenuptial agreement is a valuable exercise. It helps you consider every aspect of your financial, familial, and professional lives and prompts conversations that are very enlightening. I would recommend that every couple start their marriage with a prenuptial agreement; but even if you never put one in writing, you’ll be better off for having had some tough discussions upfront. I can’t help but wonder if the Gateses missed an opportunity that might have made a difference in keeping their marriage and their family together. 

Lesson #6: Even If You Don’t Have a Prenuptial Agreement, It’s Never Too Late for a Post-Marital Agreement 

When Melinda quit her job at Microsoft to focus on family in 1996, it was a perfect opportunity for the couple to consider putting together a post-nuptial marital agreement. They were having their first child, and Microsoft was booming. Household roles were being defined and solidified. External pressures were growing, as were both financial opportunities and risks. Again, I find myself wondering if the couple missed an opportunity to discuss how things were changing and how they might protect themselves and their children in the event of divorce. There’s little doubt they both considered divorce to be very unlikely, and surely both were confident they’d have the financial means to take care of their children. Unfortunately, we know now that only the latter would prove true, but that their marriage would end, and now it has.  

In terms of finances, their lives are now several magnitudes more complex than when they welcomed their first child. Unless they have been very disciplined throughout the years about creating specific contracts and documents about their individual liabilities and responsibilities, they are unquestionably facing a lot of messy and frustrating work ahead. When they formed The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation in 2000, they missed another opportunity to create a post-nuptial marital agreement. 

Lesson #7: Update and Amend Your Agreement When Things Change

It’s been reported by the Associated Press that both Bill and Melinda will continue to work together as co-founders of The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, one of the world’s largest charitable foundations with an endowment of $65 billion ($15 billion of which was recently added by the couple as a gesture of their shared commitment to the foundation). What’s of particular interest is the agreement they’ve made--if they can’t continue to work together as co-chairs, the solution has already been determined: Melinda will resign as co-chair and trustee, Bill will effectively buy her out, and Melinda will “receive resources from him to do her own philanthropic work.” 

Again, I find myself wondering if this is the deal the couple would have made if they had created a marital agreement years ago when their marriage was on solid ground. It’s difficult for most of us to feel any empathy for a couple who is negotiating how many billions will go to each person and his or her respective charitable foundation. But might Melinda remain in the situation even if it becomes unbearable so as not to lose her ability to contribute to the organization both she and Bill refer to as their “fourth child”? She’ll never have to worry about surviving as a woman from an earlier time may have, but the relative losses would undoubtedly be painful for her if she and her former husband cannot both agree they can work together. A marital agreement might have provided her with a higher level of protection in this regard than what she has with the current agreement.  

Lesson #8: Working Hard for the Best Should Include Preparing for the Worst  

The Gateses are obviously handling their divorce very privately, as is their right, and as is probably wise. But even with limited knowledge of their circumstances and agreements, we can extract valuable lessons. During the course of a marriage, you may grow your family, acquire assets, incur debt, increase your net worth, create businesses or non-profits, buy property, make investments, and become more and more financially entangled. The time to document agreements about what you will do if the marriage ends is NOT after you’ve decided to call it quits...or even when you fear things may be unraveling. The time to discuss and decide important things is when you both are in a loving, supportive, compromising, and giving frame of mind. I can’t tell you what a difference it will make for you and your children if you can avoid “duking it out” through anger, resentment, fear, and hurt feelings.  

Remember These Lessons

Enter your marriage with a prenuptial agreement, or create a post-nuptial marital agreement if you’re already married, and update it as married. Commit to using a mediator or collaborative attorney if the unthinkable happens and your marriage comes to an end. Protect your children from pain as much as possible because even when they’re all grown up, they’re always your “babies”). And tend to your marriage and your partner with constant and consistent care.  

One last thought: if you are considering or facing a gray divorce and there is no way to salvage your marriage, take heart. Your life isn’t over, and your chance for happiness is not gone. You still have tremendous opportunities for joy ahead of you. If I can help you to get through this painful event so you can begin the next phase of your life, I would be honored to do so. Please contact me for a completely confidential conversation. 

September 20, 2021

How Bill and Melinda Gates Can Make Their Divorce Easier On Their Children

"Bill and Melinda Gates - NPG Washington DC" by FaceMePLS is licensed under CC BY 2.0

It was sad for me to hear the news of Melinda and Bill Gates deciding to separate after 27 years of marriage. I have seen the increase myself of what is being called the "Gray Divorce" or in the Gateses' situation, perhaps the "Silver Divorce." Confusing sometimes, isn't it? They seemed to have it together.

Unlike many divorcing couples, the Gates probably were not fighting over who forgot to log in the ATM withdrawal without telling the other. I mean with a net worth of roughly $130 billion, it doesn't appear there were money woes. While there have been rumors of infidelity, their public outcry was for us to honor their "space and privacy" at this time. I really hope we do--for them, and especially for the sake of their children. There's likely to be a lot of grieving going on, not just with them, but with their entire family.

It is mystifying watching couples separate when they seem to have a really great marriage. After all, Bill and Melinda regularly travelled and laughed together, and shared mutual interests. They taught their children about world hunger, health risks, and poverty and then formed a successful charitable organization to put actions to their words and caring motives.

After viewing a few snapshots of the Gateses' children on vacations and meetings with world leaders with their parents over the years, I couldn't help but want to reach out and ask them about their feelings about all of this.

Divorce Affects Children at Every Age

Their oldest, Jennifer, age 25, is in medical school, and seems to be close to getting married herself. I wonder if she worries about getting married or how best to make it a lasting commitment. Or maybe she wonders about how life will be different for her younger brother Rory, who's 21. Perhaps she is more concerned about how her younger sister Phoebe is handling this shocking news, since she is barely 18 and has just endured a COVID high school experience.

One thing is for sure: these young adults are greatly affected by their parents’ decision to divorce and likely have no power to change it. Research has shown that no matter the age of children when their parents decide to divorce, they all wish their parents would have talked more with them about it and allowed their voice to be considered, or at least heard and acknowledged.

Collaborative Divorce Keeps Families Out of Court and Supports Privacy

I hope Bill and Melinda decide to use a confidential no-court option such as a collaborative divorce process, as it would honor their need for privacy while still equitably resolving their differences with skilled legal representation. They can have a team of trained professionals to address the financial, legal, and emotional aspects of their decision, and even allow their children to have a voice to bring understanding to their needs, even as adults.

Children Have a Stronger Voice with a Collaborative Divorce or Mediation

What type of divorce process allows adult children to have a voice? Certainly not the traditional litigation model. While there are mixed views about having minor children of divorce speak to a judge about their preferences, more courts have been willing listen to their input and give some weight to their opinion if the child I considered to be a "well-reasoned minor."  (This is obviously somewhat of a vague term, but generally it means the court recognizes the young person as having a good head on their shoulders.) No courts interview adult children because when there are no minors involved, there is no custody dispute--the kids are no longer kids.

In California, even a minor child's preference or choice regarding living arrangement does not control the judge's decision, so outcomes vary. It is more common for children's views to be seriously considered in voluntary "out of court" processes such as mediation or collaborative law where couples can mutually agree to involve a trained mental health professional called a "child specialist." This specialist can interview not only the children, but also other adults involved in the lives of the children such as therapists, teachers, sports coaches, and tutors.

Even Adult Children Need Time to Heal

Perhaps Bill and Melinda waited until Phoebe turned 18 for a reason. Maybe they saw the benefit of a divorce with no custody battle, and figured Phoebe would be off to college and largely unaffected by their split. But the pain still runs deep for children whose parents divorce, even when the child is technically an adult. It is important to address divorce as a painful disruption to the entire family dynamic, and each member of the family—regardless of age—will need to go through a personal healing process.

No Prenuptial Agreement?

As a side note, I was a bit surprised by the news reports that they had not entered into a prenuptial agreement. However, since neither Bill nor Melinda had any children before they married, perhaps they felt they didn't need documented protection—at the time of the wedding, there was no fear that their biological children would not receive an inheritance. Even so, the absence of a prenuptial agreement opens them up to more stressful conflicts over finances and assets, but I’m hopeful that will not be the case for them.

Good Communication and Respect Will Help Them and Their Children

Overall, I wish the Gates family only the best.  My hope is that as parents they model good communication and respect for one another throughout this divorce process, and continue to teach Jennifer, Rory, and Phoebe about how to use their talents, skills, education, and finances to serve others. May they continue working together, as a family, so that the needs of those experiencing disease and poverty in our world will be met by their joint efforts.

Despite the bumps in the road ahead that will inevitably come as the result of a marriage coming to an end, may they all find the right path for their future.

There are many lessons to learn from the story of this high-profile divorce. Read my follow-up post, 8 Lessons We Can Learn From the “Gray Divorce” of Bill and Melinda Gates. 

Learn more about out-of-court options for divorce including collaborative practice and mediation services.

September 9, 2021