Prenups: Is It Absolutely Necessary to Involve Two Attorneys?

You’re in love and you know your love will last forever. Still, while you and your betrothed are optimistic, you are also practical. You want to make smart financial decisions now to ensure you are both protected and secure in the unfortunate circumstance that your marriage comes to an end sooner than you had hoped.

You’ve agreed to have a prenuptial agreement drawn up, and because you have discussed your financial situation and concerns with transparency and honesty, you’re considering working together with one lawyer who will draw up the documents. After all, why pay for two attorneys when the two of you are so aligned in your goals and intentions?

Not so fast! California couples who get divorced and expect the court to uphold a prenuptial agreement that was prepared by a single attorney may find themselves in for a rude awakening. Here’s what you need to know about the risks of hiring one California attorney to represent both of you when drawing up a prenuptial agreement.

Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should

To be clear, you certainly CAN have one attorney assisting both of you during the creation of a prenup, but no California divorce attorney would recommend it. There are several reasons for this and all of them are directly related to whether or not the agreement would be considered enforceable in a California divorce court.

Enforceability of California Prenuptial Agreements

The biggest issue for a couple who works with a single attorney to create a prenuptial agreement is that of enforceability. Will a California court find the agreement enforceable? While you may both be in agreement today about what is fair, after the ups and downs and difficult emotions that ultimately lead to a divorce, you may find yourself feeling not as agreeable in the future. Down the road, one or both partners might feel what they agreed to in the beginning is now unfair and one or both may contest the prenup.

When concerns are brought before a judge who learns each partner did not have separate representation, it’s more likely than not that the judge will determine the agreement is unenforceable on that fact alone…and then you’re in for a long, drawn out litigation process (which is exactly what you wanted to avoid when you created the prenup, right?).

If there is only one attorney involved in the creation of a prenup, the presumption is that the agreement is invalid. That means the party who wants the prenup to be upheld will have the burden to prove the agreement is valid, and that means both people will have to spend time and money in court. You can see how ironic it is–a couple tries to save a few dollars now by hiring only one attorney to create a prenup only to spend much more time and money in court later.

California Divorce Courts Want to Make Sure Both Parties’ Interests are Considered

The court will have questions about any potential conflicts of interest that may have existed when the prenup was created:

Were there good faith disclosures exchanged between the parties when drafting the assets and debts list for each of them? Were copies of actual bank and investment statements exchanged between the parties or merely a list? Was there enough time for each party to meet with his/her individual attorney before negotiating the terms? If one person owned a business, was there an appraisal on that business before marriage or at least a reasonable estimate of value based on the exchange of copies of tax returns? Will there likely be a severe disparity in income after the separation? Was there an attempt to waive spousal support that could be determined to be “unconscionable” by the court at time of enforcement? Was there a 7-day waiting period between the time the final draft was received by the parties and the time the agreement was signed and notarized?

These are just a few of the kinds of questions a judge might ask and consider when determining whether the prenuptial agreement is valid.

If the Lawyer is on Both Sides Then Who is on Your Side?

The judge will want to ensure that one party did not exercise undue influence on the other party to get them to agree to the terms of the prenup. Of course, undue influence can occur even if each party has separate representation, but it’s far less likely. The entire purpose of having your own attorney is to make sure YOUR interests are represented. If your spouse were using coercion or pressuring you to get you to agree to the terms of a prenup, at least you would have a lawyer with whom you could discuss these issues confidentially, and they would then advocate on your behalf in a professional and effective way in discussions with your partner’s lawyer.

Even the most ethical and honest attorney would have difficulty navigating the nuance and complexities of drawing up a prenuptial agreement that serves both parties fairly. If an attorney represents a couple, then he doesn’t represent either individual. What I’ve always said about this is if an attorney is on both sides then no one is truly on YOUR side. If it’s important enough to you and your partner to have a prenuptial agreement, then it should be important to each of you that your individual interests are considered and negotiated.

Make Sure You Work with Two Experienced Attorneys to Avoid Other Prenup Pitfalls

Your attorney and your partner’s attorney should both be experienced in drafting and reviewing prenuptial agreements. Even with separate representation, you and your partner would also be wise to be aware of some of the common reasons a prenuptial agreement may be considered invalid by a California judge. For example:

The agreement must be signed by both parties and it must be clear neither party signed as a result of coercion or while under duress.
Both parties need to be clear that they had adequate time to review the agreement before signing, and in California that means a 7-day waiting period. I recommend you plan to have the agreement ready for review as far in advance as possible–prenups prepared a week before a wedding and signed too close to the day of the ceremony could be a red flag to the court that things were not on the up and up.
The document should not include agreements about alimony or spousal support that are not in accordance with California law, nor should it include anything about child support or custody for children born within the marriage.

Two Last Points

California law does not require that signatures on a prenuptial agreement be notarized, but having them notarized is an additional assurance to a judge that both parties signed the document freely and willingly.

As I mentioned at the outset, you and your spouse are not required by California law to have separate representation, but it’s certainly advised. If you’re dead set on working with a single lawyer for the both of you, you’ll have to complete a document called a “Written Statement of Waiver.” Doing so does not ensure a judge will enforce the prenuptial agreement in the future, but having this signed document could help. Even so, most attorneys who do this kind of work all the time will discourage you from taking the risk of invalidity.

The Bottom Line

Working with your partner to create a prenuptial agreement is a smart and loving way to ensure both of you enter marriage with peace of mind, but trying to save a few dollars by not hiring independent attorneys to represent each of you is counterproductive in the long run. Of course, you hope you’ll never get divorced and that the prenup will never need to be looked at again, but should the worst come to pass, make sure you have an agreement that will be held up in court. I would love to help you and your soon-to-be spouse with your prenuptial (or post-marital) agreement. Please reach out to schedule a consultation with me to discuss your options and learn more about the process.

Explore your no-court divorce options and the prenuptial process in Santa Rosa and Sonoma County and schedule a confidential consultation with divorce lawyer Jeanne Browne. With more than 30 years of experience helping couples divorce without court through mediation and collaborative practice, she will give you compassionate legal advice on your issues related to family law, divorce, and prenuptial/postnuptial agreements. Click here to schedule a meeting.

Please Note: Articles posted on this website are for general information purposes only and are not to be considered legal advice. Every situation is unique and we recommend you reach out for a private conversation about your specific circumstances and concerns by booking a consultation.

by Jeanne Browne

Don't Get Tripped Up: Why Full Disclosure Matters in Dividing Property During Divorce

Divorce can be a whirlwind of emotions, and sorting through finances adds another layer of complexity. Especially when it comes to dividing property, things can get messy. While you and your ex might reach an agreement on how to split everything up, there's a crucial step many forget: full disclosure.

Here's why being completely transparent about your finances is key to a smooth and fair property division:

Transparency is King (or Queen)

California law takes fairness in divorce seriously. To ensure both spouses get their rightful share, there's a requirement for complete financial disclosure. This means laying everything on the table using specific forms like the Declaration of Disclosure (FL-140) and the Schedule of Assets and Debts (FL-142). Think of these like a financial roadmap, giving you and your ex (and the court, if needed) a clear picture of your financial situation.

Knowledge is Power (and Protection)

Disclosure isn't just about informing your ex. It safeguards you too! By being upfront about assets and debts, you eliminate the chance of one spouse hiding things to get a bigger slice of the pie. Plus, it gives the court a solid foundation for making a fair property division if you can't reach an agreement yourselves. If you skip disclosure, the entire agreement could be thrown out, even if you both thought it was fair at the time.

A Cautionary Tale: The Case of the Missing Millions

The story of the Marriage of Rossi (2001) shows just how serious things can get when assets are hidden. Ms. Rossi won a million-dollar lottery prize but kept it mum during the divorce, claiming it was separate property. Big mistake! The court ruled that her failure to disclose meant her husband got the entire jackpot. This case highlights that even assets you think might be separate need to be brought to light.

The Bottom Line: Don't Skip This Step!

Open communication through disclosure is a non-negotiable part of divorce. It protects both spouses and ensures a fair division of marital property. Remember the Rossi case? Don't let that be your story. If you're going through a divorce, prioritize transparency when dividing property. A consulting attorney helping you complete disclosure documents correctly will be worth every dollar spent. He or she navigates you through this important paperwork and makes sure you understand your rights and responsibilities.

Just remember, the law requires a fair split, and that can only happen if both parties play with all their cards face-up.

by Jeanne Browne

If You’re Saying “Never Again” to Marriage, Here’s Why You Should Consider Giving It a Second Chance

There’s an interesting and growing trend among the California divorced crowd, and one that makes me a bit sad. So many people who have been married and divorced are saying “I’ll never do THAT again!” A friend of mine who is in her 50s and single shared with me recently that she frequents several online groups and forums on the topic of 50+ dating and she’s astounded at the overwhelming anti-marriage sentiment expressed by many of the members. And it’s not just men–it’s women too. Clearly our society is plagued by many broken hearts afraid to love again.

With Valentine’s Day barely in the rearview mirror and talk of love and romance filling much of February, it seems the right time to talk about taking a second chance on love. As a hopeless romantic and steadfast optimist, I believe love is for everyone–as long as you keep your heart open to it.

As a divorce attorney in California for more than 30 years, I’ve heard it all. Here are three common refrains I hear from those who have loved and lost that love through divorce, and my thoughts about why you should consider giving marriage another shot.

OBJECTION #1: “I never want to put up with a person like that again, and all men/women are the same.”

There are millions of single people in America, and your ex is only one of them. If you punish everyone for the behavior of your former spouse and assume they have all the same flaws, then you must think it’s fair for others to punish you for the sins of their ex and lump you in with everyone else. That doesn’t make any sense, does it? Perhaps you find yourself meeting or dating the same kind of person over and over. We certainly have types we’re attracted to, and any mental health professional will tell you we’re attracted to certain dysfunctions too. Does that mean you’re doomed to repeat your pattern and that if you take the leap into marriage again you’ll get divorced again? No way!

CONSIDER THIS: The good news is we can break our patterns. By doing some inner work, you can find out why you keep attracting and dating certain personality types that are not good long-term matches for you. There are many excellent books published on this topic that you might enjoy reading. You also might consider talking to a therapist to dig a little deeper into why you choose the partners you do–or why you’re afraid to connect with anyone at all. Turning to your pastor or religious leader could also be helpful, as could being contemplative in prayer. As much as you have logical reasons for wanting to avoid going through the same bad experience again, remember that love and heartache aren’t logical, and if you have wounds you can heal, you might be able to find joy in a relationship with a new person who is not your ex.

OBJECTION #2: “I’m not lonely and I don’t want to give up my freedom now that I’m single again.”

Especially if you’ve already raised your children, it might feel unbelievable to finally have your time to yourself and not have to report to anyone or negotiate and compromise about how you spend your evenings, weekends, and holidays. If you had a controlling or domineering spouse who always made you feel like none of your time or energy belonged to you and you alone, it probably feels amazing to have autonomy again, and it’s something you should probably experience for a while as you reacquaint yourself with who you are and what you enjoy. But does getting married really mean you have to give up your freedom? Well, that actually depends entirely on who you marry and the dynamic the two of you agree upon.

CONSIDER THIS: I admit it–I’m of the belief that human beings are divinely intended to couple up and that we are at our very best in a loving union with a supportive partner who shares our values and beliefs. All the good memories you will ever make will be sweeter if you share with someone you love. When you are sick or struggling, having a spouse who cares is the best medicine. Happily married people live longer, recover from serious health episodes more quickly, and generally experience more financial security. Studies show couples who marry are happier than those who just live together. There are lots of good reasons to give marriage a second chance–I talked about several of them in this post. It’s true you’ll have more freedom if you’re alone, but the trade-off for support, companionship, and true love is worth it if you choose the right person to marry.

OBJECTION #3: “I worked hard for what I have and I don’t want to lose half of it in a divorce.”

This is a big one. If you’ve already survived a divorce, you may have taken a big financial hit, and that can be really frustrating and discouraging. Going through a divorce is emotionally rough as it is, but it’s made worse by going through traditional divorce litigation where the judge makes the final decision about everything you and your spouse disagree on. Whether you were the breadwinner, a stay-at-home parent, or an equal income earner, you may feel that the court issued a judgment that wasn’t fair to you and that put you in financial straits. You may have been ordered to pay spousal or child support that was difficult for you to manage. You may have lost money or property to your ex that you felt rightly belonged to you. You may have had to give up part of your business or money from an inheritance or some of your retirement fund, and you may be justifiably bitter about it. I can understand why some people say they’ll never make themselves financially vulnerable like that again. But does getting married always mean putting yourself in financial jeopardy? With proper planning, it doesn’t mean that at all.

CONSIDER THIS: The longer I work with divorcing couples, the more I see the value in having a prenuptial agreement. The friend I mentioned earlier told me she used to think prenups were unromantic and almost an admission that a couple expects the marriage to fail; but as she has seen the fear and hesitation in the over-50 divorced crowd about marriage, she now realizes that a prenuptial agreement actually gives couples the emotional freedom to love again without worrying about one person taking advantage of the other financially. I was gratified to hear that she sees it the way I do–the peace of mind that comes with knowing you will not lose what you’ve worked so hard for gives couples (especially those in the later stages of life) a way to focus on the love and not worry about the money.

My recommendation for all couples considering a second marriage is that they speak to an attorney about protecting their assets with a prenuptial agreement. I especially wish I could speak to more couples where one person wants to get married but their partner is afraid to because of the potential financial loss. So many fears would be put to rest if they understood how simple and straightforward it is to create an agreement that protects both parties. Getting a prenup is not unromantic. On the contrary, getting a prenup allows you to enjoy the romance and keep your hearts and minds trained on the future with optimism. My wish for you is that if you desire love and marriage, you will find it and enjoy it. I know from personal experience that it really can be sweeter the second time around.

by Jeanne Browne

Divorce With Respect Week - And An Opportunity for a Complimentary Call with Jeanne

After working with couples for more than 30 years as they work through the difficult process of dissolving unions, splitting time with the children, and dividing up assets and belongings gathered while building a marriage and a family, I have become so grateful for the opportunity to serve more and more of them using a collaborative divorce process.

Click here to schedule a 30-minute consultation with Jeanne.

March 4-8 is Divorce With Respect Week. This national movement started in California in 2021 and is steadily gaining momentum. The goal of Divorce With Respect Week is to spread awareness and share information about Collaborate Divorce and Mediation and help more people realize they are worthwhile no-court alternatives to the traditional divorce process. With a traditional divorce, the couple will often take somewhat adversarial roles against one another, each fighting to win as much as they can of what they want, whether it’s money, property, or time with the kids. With traditional divorce litigation, time is spent in the courtroom presenting arguments to a judge who has the ultimate decision-making power over all the issues about which the couple has disputes.

With Collaborative Divorce or Mediation, there is a structure in place that fosters a genuine spirit of cooperation, enabling couples to focus on creating resolutions that both parties can be satisfied with. A few of my clients have expressed concern about being in the same room with their soon-to-be ex, stating that their “charming” personality will convince others of his/her reasonableness, yet an underlying unwillingness to agree to any settlement terms that my client would propose. There are a couple of ways we as a collaborative team can address these issues. One is to have a communication coach as part of the team who can help navigate the wording of a spouse and “restate” terms/ideas with a neutral tone, or even call a break to address the emotional issue in the room. Another option is for the attorney team to “jointly” suggest settlement options that were already discussed by both attorneys and not identify who suggested the idea, but that it was a team effort to brainstorm possible settlement options.

Most people have a basic idea of what mediation is, and it’s a very good alternative to traditional divorce litigation when you and your ex-spouse are able and willing to calmly negotiate the terms of your separation and divorce. The whole process can move far more quickly than a traditional divorce and be much less expensive.

Likewise, you can go through a Collaborative Divorce process faster and with less expense than a traditional divorce. You and your soon-to-be ex will work together to craft an agreement before it’s presented to a judge–a far better way to do things than to let a judge make decisions for you! It’s a truly supportive process involving a team of professionals, all of whom are trained in the Collaborative Divorce process. We can involve the services of a neutral financial professional to look at the documents critical to your decision-making. Your team members are your choice and they could also include a child specialist who serves as the “voice” of any minor children in the family.

Click here to schedule a 30-minute consultation with Jeanne.

Some of the very positive things I witness as a Collaborate Attorney is that both parties feel far more empowered and involved in the process of creating win-win outcomes. I see couples talk through difficult issues which often allows them to heal emotional wounds. I see them come to resolutions and arrangements that are agreed-upon compromises resulting in more compliance and fewer trips to court in the months and years following the divorce. I see children’s needs and desires represented in the discussion in a way they just can’t be in a traditional court divorce. I see couples who have been married for many decades work through complex issues around long-owned property through discussion rather than through paper trails shown to a judge. I see cooperation, conversation, and listening. I sometimes see bitterness give way to understanding, and I see couples who are in the most stressful period of their lives walk away with a little more comfort and compassion than those who “fight” each other in court.

I would love the opportunity to tell you more about the Collaborative Divorce process in a one-on-one conversation. In our confidential, 30-minute informational session, I will explain the process in more detail and answer your questions. There is no obligation after the call. My goal is to help you understand your divorce options during this difficult time.

I hope I will have the opportunity to talk to you and that you’ll take advantage of this once-a-year chance to book a call at no charge.

PLEASE NOTE:
The complimentary consultation is available ONLY March 4-8, 2024, during Divorce With Respect Week and ONLY when you book your call here.

I look forward to speaking with you.

by Jeanne Browne

How to Prepare for Meeting with a California Divorce Attorney

January is “divorce month.” While it’s certainly not something to celebrate, it is, nevertheless, the time of year when divorce attorneys sometimes see a 20-30% spike in the number of initial consultations.

It makes sense. Many couples try to stay together through the holidays for a variety of reasons–especially if they have children. There are family and social gatherings, kids’ recitals and plays, company Christmas parties…for many couples, it just seems easier to get through all the events and festivities together, avoid the uncomfortable explanations about a separation, and make sure the kids have a peaceful and enjoyable school break and celebrations.

If you are one of many couples who is making the difficult decision to separate and divorce now that the calendar page has turned, the first thing you should do is meet with an experienced and compassionate divorce attorney to understand the overview of the process.

Our office can provide a consultation for you so that you know where to start and what your rights are in California. We will discuss the option of having my representation as part of a collaborative “out of court” option, which facilitates productive communication between you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse, with a signed agreement to keep the matter out of court. If the two of you are on the same page and just need help navigating the divorce paperwork, then using a “mediation” process might be your best option. Click to learn more about mediation or collaborative divorce.

What to Bring with You to Meet with a California Divorce Attorney

Sometimes when a new client first arrives at my office, they are nervous about meeting with me. Please don’t worry if you don’t have every single document needed, as we can make a list together of what is most important for your situation. For our first meeting, it is important to think about your personal goals, both for our meeting, and for your future. You might want to make a list of questions that relate to your goals, for instance:

HOUSE: Will I be able to keep the house, or should I consider allowing my spouse to keep it? The best way for us to discuss the options on the house would be to review the following documents:

Mortgage statement
Property insurance statement
Paystubs or tax documents that show income for you and your spouse
Current deed (can be obtained from the county where property is located)
Any signed prenuptial or post-marital agreement, if any
Any separation or divorce documents that have been filed with the court
A list of assets (and identify if either of you owned before marriage or inherited)

SUPPORT: How much would child support and spousal support be? For this question, it would be helpful to have three recent pay stubs for each of you, tax return information, and the following:

Information on health insurance coverage costs for you both, and children, and what it would be if the other parent had to get new insurance coverage after the divorce
Information on if either of you pay union dues and how much
Information regarding how much you each contribute to a 401k, 403b, or deferred compensation plan per month
Information for the amount you pay into any “mandatory” state or county pension such as CalSTRS or CalPERs

Documents You’ll Need to Gather for Your California Divorce Process

Getting divorced involves a lot of paperwork! Starting out–as I call STEP ONE–is probably the easiest step, as it’s only two or three forms to file: Petition, Summons, and (if children) the form showing where the children have resided for the last five years. After that, STEP TWO is a bit more complicated. This is called the Disclosure Process, where you each have to provide the other with copies of many documents and complete two main disclosure forms that we can assist you with. If you want to get a jump start on “disclosures” then it’s best to start pulling together the following:

FINANCIAL DOCUMENTS:

Bank statements - checking, savings, and any other accounts, both joint and separate
Investment account statements - stocks, bonds, mutual funds, cryptocurrency
Retirement account statements - pension, 401(k), IRAs, and any loans thereon
Real estate documents - deeds, mortgage docs, home equity credit loan docs
Vehicles - titles and loan docs
Credit card statements and docs for other loans and outstanding debt
Tax documents from the past 2 years
Detailed list of physical property and assets - artwork, furniture, tools, electronics, etc.
Detailed list of digital assets - software, gift cards, domain names, downloaded games and music and videos, NFTs, etc.

INCOME AND EXPENSES:

You could prepare a spreadsheet of these, or if you are not a “spreadsheet” kind of person, you can download the FL-150 Income and Expense declaration form to start working on. It’s four pages, and it’s a great way to keep focused on what you need. We won’t need copies of your utility bills or other listed expenses, unless requested by your spouse after this form is provided to him/her.

CHILDREN:

It would be helpful to have a separate list of extra expenses for your children, and perhaps a proposal as to how to share them between you both as parents–for example equally or by assigning certain extra-curricular expenses to your spouse and others to you. Unless there is a serious custody dispute heading for a court battle, you won’t need your children’s medical records. Both parents should have electronic access to them through the medical provider. If one of you is asking for reimbursement of 50% of a medical expense for a child, then a receipt should be sent to the other parent with a request for reimbursement, giving the other parent at least 30 days to reimburse. (By the way, always do your best to keep each other informed of any medical needs or appointments for your children.)

BUSINESS INTERESTS:

If you and/or your spouse own one or more businesses, and you cannot agree regarding division, you might need a business valuation, which involves hiring an expert and can be very expensive. The person who has access to the business records would be asked to provide the information to the expert, with copies going to the other party.

It’s Challenging, But It’s Doable

You might feel pretty overwhelmed about all the paperwork, but it can be approached in stages. If paper copies are not accessible, remember that most financial documents can be obtained online and then downloaded into a file that you can print from, or you can even provide a thumb drive to counsel so that paperwork can be reduced. Your CPA and financial planner would assist you in accessing many of the documents you need. Almost everything you need for your divorce can most likely be obtained by calling a few professionals and going online. If your spouse is not being cooperative or helpful in gathering all the documentation needed for your attorneys to help you move through the divorce process, do your best to stay calm as we can look for cooperative solutions short of issuing subpoenas. This is a difficult and stressful time, and emotions will be running high, so give yourself grace in this process. You could try emailing your spouse saying something like, let’s work together on all this documentation so we don’t have to pay attorneys to do it for us. If that doesn’t work, a phone call or email to the other attorney can help encourage cooperation.

The Bottom Line

If you and your spouse will be separating or getting divorced this year, it’s best if you can work together to collect all the documentation your attorneys and the court will need. Hopefully, the above information will make this overwhelming task easier to accomplish. Just move down the list, gathering paperwork and documentation a little at a time. Chip away at it and don’t let it stress you out. For now, pull the short list of documentation and meet with a knowledgeable California divorce attorney–preferably one who can help you explore your no-court divorce options like mediation and collaborative divorce.

by Jeanne Browne

California’s First Big Crypto Divorce Case – DeSouza v. DeSouza

In a previous post, I gave you a simple introduction to a complex topic: cryptocurrency, and specifically, how cryptocurrency may be divided in a California divorce. In general terms, cryptocurrency is divided essentially the way any other digital asset such as gift cards, airline mileage, and downloaded media might be divided. However, because the value of crypto can fluctuate dramatically and frequently, and because this is a fairly new area, there is still a very small body of related case law upon which to draw, which means there are no hard and fast rules about how the court may choose to handle your case.

In one notable California divorce between Erica and Francis deSouza, the question of how to divide the millions of dollars of value in crypto became pretty complicated. The deSouza case is widely considered the first “big” crypto divorce case, and it’s worth looking at. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by the details, just push through—I promise the ending is worth it!

January 2013: Erica Is Granted a Temporary Restraining Order

When Erica filed for divorce in January 2013, she was also granted a temporary restraining order that prohibited Francis from “[t]ransferring, encumbering, hypothecating, concealing, or in any way disposing of any property, real or personal, whether community, quasi-community, or separate, without the written consent of the other party or an order of the court, except in the usual course of business or for the necessities of life.” In other words, Francis was required to obtain permission from Erica if he wanted to—among other things—buy or sell cryptocurrency or anything else.

April 2013: Francis Violates the Restraining Order and Buys Bitcoin

Just three months later, over the course of less than a week in April 2013, Francis purchased bitcoin in three separate transactions through a Japanese bitcoin exchange called Mt. Gox (this detail becomes very important later on). As it turns out, he did so without notifying or obtaining agreement from Erica.

Approximately $150,000 Spent on Three Bitcoin Purchases

First, Francis wired $45,000 to Mt. Gox to purchase bitcoins himself. Second, he had a friend named Wences Casares purchase $99,451 worth of bitcoin on his behalf and transfer it to his Mt. Gox account. Finally, he had another friend named Khaled Hassounah purchase $44,940 worth of bitcoin on his behalf, which he did, but the bitcoins were never transferred to Francis’s account and they remained with Mt. Gox. The bitcoins Francis purchased directly also remained with Mt. Gox. Only the bitcoins purchased on his behalf by Wences Casares were transferred from Mt. Gox to another digital wallet belonging to Francis.

February 2014: Mt. Gox Fails

Mt. Gox filed for bankruptcy in February 2014, coincidentally the same month Francis filed his preliminary schedule of assets and debts in the divorce, in which Francis disclosed his ownership of the bitcoins purchased the previous year. Whether he knew about the Mt. Gox bankruptcy at that time is unclear, but it IS clear he knew about the bankruptcy by May 2014.

September 2017: The Divorce is Settled

It was three years later when the divorce was finally settled. In September 2017, the court deemed the bitcoins community property to be divided equally between Erica and Francis. But it wasn’t until December when Erica sought her half of the bitcoins that Francis revealed that of the 1,062.21 bitcoins he had purchased, he had possession of only 613.53 of them, the rest having been lost in the Mt. Gox bankruptcy. This was also when he finally revealed to Erica and the court that he had used colleagues to make purchases on his behalf, that some bitcoins had been transferred from Mt. Gox to another digital wallet, and that some of the bitcoins had generated bitcoin cash and gold.

December 2017: The $150,000 Investment is Now Worth $21 Million

At this point, in December 2017, the bitcoins Francis had purchased for approximately $150,000 were worth an astounding $21 million. Notably, the bitcoins purchased by Khaleed Hassounah for about $45,000 had a value of $8 million...but they were gone.

As ordered by the court, Francis transferred Erica’s share of the bitcoins he had to Erica. But Erica sought post-judgment relief because she believed Francis had violated his restraining order and failed to meet his fiduciary responsibility to Erica with regard to his bitcoin investments.

October 2018: Francis Pays Out More Than He Bargained For

In October 2018, the court issued its ruling. The court found that Francis had breached the restraining order on several occasions by failing to disclose his bitcoin purchases and transfers and by having colleagues make purchases on his behalf. In fact, not only had he not disclosed the involvement of his proxies, but the court determined he had purposefully hidden this information from Erica until 2018. Francis also had breached his fiduciary responsibility to Erica by failing to inform Erica of the Mt. Gox bankruptcy as well as by failing to disclose the additional crypto cash and gold generated by his initial investments.

As a result, Francis was ordered to give Erica an additional $22,500 in cash, 249.445 bitcoins and the corresponding bitcoin cash and gold, and pay her attorney’s fees and costs in bringing the post-judgment motion.

It’s reasonable to infer that Francis was deliberately trying to hide assets from Erica after they had separated and trying to hide investments he hoped would appreciate in value and that he would not have to disclose to her. But by doing so, he ended up paying her far more than he would have if he had chosen to be transparent with her from the beginning. He violated the restraining order with his initial bitcoin purchases made without her permission, which was foolish enough. But he compounded his misdeeds over time by continuing to withhold information, even during the final stages of the divorce proceedings and settlement.

The Bottom Line

California courts do not look kindly upon those who try to hide assets from their soon-to-be ex-spouses. Despite what many think, cryptocurrency is not completely untraceable. In fact, there are forensic experts who specialize in tracing and tracking down crypto transactions, and they are quite expensive. If Erica had hired one, Francis would have had to pay those expenses too!

The lessons here are clear—follow court orders, never try to hide assets from your spouse, and if you do make a mistake or a bad move, don’t make matters worse with a string of lies and obfuscations. Such a strategy is likely to catch up with you in a California divorce court.

My recommendation is that whenever possible, keep the lines of communication open with your spouse and if you both are open to using mediation or a collaborative divorce process, do so. Every marriage that ends does so with a lot of complex feelings and emotions, and the way people often deal with those is by fighting about assets and property—and worse, about the kids. If you and your partner are willing to try to communicate, keep things civil, and work toward win-win outcomes, mediation and collaborative divorce are processes that can be quicker, less expensive, and more cathartic and productive than a courtroom battle.

by Jeanne Browne

Creating Joyful Holiday Memories and Traditions for Kids After Parents Separate

When mom and dad are separated and living in different homes during the holidays, keeping things running smoothly for the children is challenging–but certainly possible! It’s worth putting in the extra effort to put aside any differences and bad feelings with your ex to ensure that you create joyful experiences and happy memories for your little ones during the holiday season. Here are some great tips for putting maximum happy into the holidays for you and your children.

Recitals, School Events, and Other Social and Family Gatherings

This time of year often has more events and celebrations where both you and your ex will be in the same room. You may feel some anxiety about that, and it’s natural. If your separation or divorce is relatively recent, you may even still be dealing with some negative feelings like anger and resentment toward your ex. Again, this is natural–but it’s critical that you learn to put those emotions to the side while you support your children. Kids of all ages need to know their parents’ love for them is bigger than their discomfort with the situation. Remember, your children are dealing with a lot of tough emotions too, so anything you can do to give them a pleasant and conflict-free holiday season is an act of selflessness that they will appreciate now and down the road.

Whenever possible, it’s a good idea to communicate at an age-appropriate level with your children and ask them what they want. If you and your ex will be attending your children’s band or theater performances, ask what their preferences are and accommodate them if possible. For example, some kids want their parents to sit together. Others want them to sit apart, but on the same side so they can see them both at the same time. Others might want parents to come to different showings, practices, or rehearsals, while some kids don't care one way or the other. Ask them. Be clear that you want to know what would make them most comfortable, but also be clear that you as parents will make the final decision.

Another good tip for parents attending performances year round is to promise your kids you won’t embarrass them! Have the kids make a list of things that would make them uncomfortable. You might be surprised to hear that standing up and clapping when no one else is, cheering loudly or shouting their name, waving, whistling, or asking for way too many pictures before or after the performance make them feel embarrassed. Your kids may also worry that you and your ex will fight or argue at the event, but they may not be able to express that. Always be reassuring about the fact that you are there to support them and you’ll do everything possible to make sure they have a good experience.

When it comes to parties, family gatherings, church socials, and other holiday events, you and your ex should engage in open communication about what would be best for your children. If you’re not comfortable being in the same room together yet, be honest about it. Then get creative. Perhaps you can attend the same event but at different times, one earlier and one later. Maybe you can split up the events so there’s a parent at each one. Be upfront with your kids about which events you’ll each be attending, but don’t overshare–children don’t need all the details and reasons their parents make the decisions they do. It’s a fine line and you’ll learn as you go–just take care never to speak ill of their other parent or make your discomfort your kids’ problem to worry about.

Be Flexible with Family Traditions

Treasured holiday traditions need more flexibility now. If you’re able to continue with specific traditions when the kiddos are at your place, that’s fantastic, but remember they may be struggling with bittersweet feelings that are difficult to articulate and deal with. Be sensitive to the fact that even though you’re making sugar cookies as a family like you always have, the whole family isn’t together, and that hurts. Check in with them and ask how they feel about continuing traditions that previously involved the whole family unit and be willing to make adjustments. Perhaps you can take an old family tradition and put a new spin on it. If you always baked and decorated sugar cookies together, maybe this year you can make gingerbread cookies instead. Or make the sugar cookies as usual but deliver some to the police station or elderly neighbors.

You won’t necessarily have your children with you on specific days tied to specific traditions, so be willing to be creative with the calendar. Maybe you won't be able to watch the Christmas parade on December 25 or the New Year’s Day parade on January 1, but you can record them and watch them together another day. Again, communication is key. If they watched the parade with their other parent already, ask if they want to watch it again or if they’d rather figure out something else fun to do.

You might feel disappointed about losing some of your treasured traditions to the other parent, but don’t make your kids feel bad or guilty. It’s okay to tell them how you feel. For example, you might say something like, “I watched the parade and even though I wish we could have seen it together, I knew you were watching it at your dad’s place and that made me happy. I bet you really liked the huge Paw Patrol float, didn’t you?” In this way, you’re being honest about missing them while still staying positive and connected.

Don’t make assumptions about which traditions your children may want to keep versus modify or surrender completely. Talk to them. Ask them what they want. The conversations might be a little difficult, but they’re important. Even if they have a hard time expressing their feelings, you should trust they will appreciate knowing their opinions matter to you.

This Is the Ideal Time to Start New Traditions

Now that the family unit at your place is “new,” this is the perfect time to start some fresh new ways of celebrating that won’t have any of the melancholy that might be attached to your old established traditions. Let the kids help with coming up with new ideas by looking for holiday events online or in the newspaper. There are probably tree lightings, craft fairs, Santa visits, and holiday plays and concerts in your area you’ve never attended before. Now is a great time to explore some of them!

While you’re brainstorming together about new holiday rituals, thinking of ways to incorporate service will help all of you get your minds off your own troubles as you bring joy to others. Take handmade cards to convalescent hospitals or senior centers. Participate in a Toys for Tots drive and let them take the toys to the fire station and meet the firefighters there. The possibilities are endless. If you or your kids have social media accounts, you might enjoy taking pictures to post online to encourage others to experience the joy of generosity and service.

The Bottom Line

Celebrating the holidays after a separation or divorce is fraught with challenges but also has the potential for creating wonderful new traditions and memories. Remember that while you’re dealing with lots of complex emotions, your kids are too, and they might not be able or ready to talk about them. Communication is key–between you and your children and between you and your ex. Do what you can to create positive experiences that will result in lasting memories of love, celebration, and giving so that the holiday season continues to be one you and your family look forward to.

by Jeanne Browne

Is the Thing You’re Fighting About in Your Divorce the Thing that Really Matters?

Divorce often brings out the worst in people. Emotions are running high—anger, disappointment, sadness, confusion, and countless other feelings may be part of your experience.

And while you’re dealing with emotional fallout and turmoil at the end of your marriage, there are very real logistical and practical matters that must be attended to—not the least of which is finalizing the terms of the divorce settlement. To make matters worse, you may be experiencing new financial strain, struggling to get used to a new living situation, settling into a new home or apartment in a new neighborhood, juggling more responsibilities with your children or aging parents, and overall adjusting to being alone.

It’s very easy to allow feelings of overwhelm and resentment take over. You may feel that the situation isn’t fair and that your ex got the better end of the deal. You may find yourself fighting with them over things that aren’t intrinsically valuable or important because you’re letting emotions take over.

The best advice I have for you in this situation is to stop, breathe, and ask yourself some grounding questions: Is this really worth it? Am I trying to win? Am I being cheated out of something that is rightfully mine? Is it really important that I get my way? Am I allowing my emotions to take over when being more measured and rational would be well-advised?

Recently a friend of mine shared a story about her divorce that I think illustrates something I see all too often with separating couples who are angry and resentful with one another. They often fight about something that doesn’t matter while avoiding conversations about the things that do matter.

When Robin and Jay (their names have been changed of course) decided to divorce, it was mostly driven by Robin. They were more friends than lovers, and both agreed they deserved to have relationships of true love. Jay didn’t really want to separate, but Robin was dead set on it, so he didn’t put up a fight.

At first, they prided themselves on being what they joked was the first couple in history to have an amicable divorce. They prepared the home to go on the market, took trips down memory lane looking through old photos, took day trips to their favorite places, and spent bittersweet evenings splitting up books and CDs and other belongings fairly.

Jay moved out, Robin sold the house, and things seemed to be going smoothly. But then things hit a standstill. Even though Jay had been the one to file the initial separation papers, he soon dug in his heels and refused to cooperate in moving the divorce forward. He started picking fights with Robin about small perceived financial inequities. Robin was confused because they had split the proceeds of the house equally, they each had a vehicle of similar age and value, and Jay had taken everything he wanted when he moved out.

Suddenly, a major sticking point for Jay was a small upright piano worth about $100 that Robin had given him for his birthday several years earlier. He had never expressed any interest in taking the piano with him, so Robin had it moved to her new apartment (they both were talented pianists). She didn’t know he cared about the piano, and the truth is he didn’t care about it. He was angry with her, full of resentment, but didn’t actually want to get divorced. But instead of discussing things with Robin, instead of being open and honest about his feelings, he chose to pretend he wanted the divorce as well...and then fought with her over a piece of furniture.

A mutual acquaintance saw the toll the situation was taking on both of them and stepped in. He asked Jay what could be done to move the couple toward a resolution. Jay said he wanted the piano. It was that simple. So they wrote into the settlement agreement that Jay had 60 days to arrange for movers to pick up the piano. Jay finally signed the papers.

But the most telling part about this story is that Jay never picked up the piano. He didn’t really want it. It was never about the piano. It was about a lot of hurt feelings and Jay’s inability or unwillingness to deal with what was really bothering him. He felt betrayed by Robin (and probably rightly so—she admits she pulled the rug out from under Jay when she asked for a divorce). He had a right to all of his anger and resentment and sadness. What’s unfortunate is that rather than deal with feelings, he allowed them to muddy up the divorce process, fighting over things rather than issues.

You may have heard the expression “the thing is never the thing.” Nowhere is this expression more true than in a divorce. The end of a marriage is truly one of the most difficult experiences a person can go through, so it’s no surprise that emotions often take over and logic takes a backseat.

I wish I had known my friend when she went through her divorce. I would have recommended she seek out a mediator or engage in the collaborative divorce process with a supportive team of professionals. Not only would she and her husband likely have gotten through the experience more quickly, but with the help of divorce coaches, they would have had help in communicating some of the complex and difficult feelings between them that were never fully discussed during or after the marriage. Those feelings came out instead as arguments about meaningless stuff that never really mattered. The fight centered on a thing, but in a divorce, the thing is rarely ever the thing.

by Jeanne Browne

photo of young couple riding bikes and holding hands on the beach

Can I Waive Spousal Support in Our California Prenuptial Agreement?

Couples who are willing to start off their marriage with a prenuptial agreement are not people who expect to be divorced someday. Often they’re not even thinking that a prenuptial agreement helps them plan for the worst. This may surprise you, but many couples see entering into a prenuptial agreement as a gesture of love—a separation of finances from affection—a way of saying, “I choose you for you, and not for any financial gain or advantage.”

At times, I have had couples come to me to create a prenuptial agreement with such open hearts and pure intentions that one or both parties have been eager to be generous as a gesture of pure intent. For example, the lesser-earning party may be willing to sign away the right to collect spousal support should the marriage end. I have seen this in situations where both parties earn a similar income and in situations where there is a great disparity in income and separate assets and property.

I typically try to dissuade couples from including language that eliminates or limits the obligation of spousal support. The reason for this is that we really never know how a court will rule with regard to this issue, no matter how carefully we craft the agreement. The California divorce of Peter and Debra Last is one that illustrates why most attorneys are very hesitant to include such language.

Instead of Spousal Support, They Agreed to Anniversary Payments

When Peter and Debra married in 2002, they entered into a prenuptial agreement wherein Debra completely waived her right to spousal support should the marriage end. The agreement included a deal that many of us would find interesting. The equity Peter had in his separate property was made community property immediately, and then there was a payment schedule of sorts. Peter agreed to give Debra specified amounts of money as her separate property: $16,000 within three days of the marriage; $3,500 at the ends of years 7, 8, 9, and 10; and $4,500 at the ends of years 11, 12, 13, 14, and 15...for a total of $52,500. Quite the wedding and anniversary gifts!

Debra Asked for Spousal Support Anyway

After 19 years of marriage, Debra filed for divorce and requested temporary spousal support, which she was granted. Even though Debra had waived her right to spousal support when they married, her attorney argued that the court should disregard that part of the prenuptial agreement because there was such a dramatic disparity in the parties’ incomes, then and now. California divorce courts strive to aid both parties in maintaining the status quo in terms of living conditions and standards until a divorce is final—and in this case, that meant ordering Peter to pay Debra $8,511 a month.

Peter Pushed Back

Not surprisingly, Peter fought back. After all, he had what he assumed was an ironclad legal document, and he had paid Debra on their anniversaries as they had agreed. His position was that—by default—their prenuptial agreement should be considered inherently valid and enforceable. But it’s not that simple. The law rarely is.

Peter’s attorney also argued that if Peter paid Debra $8,511 a month per the temporary order, and later the court determined Debra was not entitled to spousal support, it would be impossible for Peter to recover that money from Debra. The court determined that Debra would be able to repay Peter if she were required to, so the temporary order stood.

The Prenuptial Agreement Was Not Assumed to be Enforceable

To make a long and complex story short, the court drew upon several cases to determine that a prenuptial agreement should be considered unenforceable unless certain legal standards are met. The burden of proof was on Peter to show that the agreement was enforceable, not on Debra to show that it wasn’t. Every American knows that when it comes to being accused of a crime, you are innocent until proven guilty—not the other way around. The same basic idea applies to a prenuptial agreement that is challenged by one party: it may well be considered unenforceable until proven enforceable. A prenuptial agreement that waives spousal support will always receive more scrutiny and therefore there will be an increased likelihood that a court will decide it’s unenforceable.

As of this writing, the divorce between Peter and Debra Last has not yet been finalized, but the temporary spousal support order was held up in Debra’s favor.

The Bottom Line

You’re free to enter into a prenuptial agreement that waives or limits spousal support, but you can’t rely on that spousal support clause to hold up. The case of Peter and Debra Last is just one of several California divorce cases that really encourage attorneys not to include such a clause because we just never know what a judge will do. What I tell my clients is yes, you can agree to limit spousal support, but you can’t depend on that agreement to protect your future liability for support.

Again, no one gets married expecting to get divorced, and no one enters into a prenuptial agreement expecting to have to fight about it later. You may feel compelled to waive your right to spousal support as a sincere expression of your love and faith in your upcoming marriage, but think twice. I strongly recommend you hire an attorney who is very well versed in California divorce law and who can give you solid advice about how to craft the agreement.

And should you find yourself in the unfortunate position of getting divorced, please consider either hiring a divorce mediator or a collaborative divorce team to help you navigate the situation. If you have a prenuptial agreement, it may be challenged...and even if it isn’t, you’ll still need compassionate legal support as you end that chapter of your life.

by Jeanne Browne

Who Gets the Cryptocurrency and NFTs in a California Divorce?

If you have questions about how cryptocurrency (sometimes called simply “crypto”) and NFTs (short for non-fungible tokens) are handled in a divorce in California, you’re not alone. These relatively new investment vehicles are increasing in popularity and that means it sometimes takes time for laws to catch up. But there are some basic principles that guide how courts decide on division of property, and those principles apply to digital assets like crypto and NFTs in the same way they apply to real property and tangible assets.

Cryptocurrency and NFTs Are Digital Assets

Cryptocurrency is digital or virtual currency that can be used to pay for goods and services and can even be invested. It is encrypted and decentralized using cryptography. You may have heard of Bitcoin and Ethereum, but there are thousands of other cryptocurrencies as well. Crypto is fungible, meaning each unit is exchangeable for another unit—just like one dollar bill is replaceable by and equal in value to another dollar bill.

NFTs are unique digital assets, often collectibles like artwork or music. Like cryptocurrency, NFTs are secured using blockchain technology, but each NFT is non-fungible, which means it is unique and not exchangeable with another NFT, just as one painting is not directly exchangeable with another painting.

There are other digital assets that you may not necessarily think of as having value, or at least not until you go through a divorce. Downloaded e-books, video games, music, movies, websites and domain names, online business, airline miles and gift cards—all of these are digital assets. Some can be duplicated so both parties get to keep a copy, while some must be split or awarded to one party in a divorce.

I recall a friend of mine telling me about the thousands of songs she and her husband had downloaded during their marriage. When they decided to separate, she asked him to copy all of them so she could take a copy of the extensive music library with her. Luckily, he did just as she asked, but sometimes things like this can actually become a sticking point during a divorce.

Community Property vs. Separate Property

In short, property and assets acquired during a marriage are community property. Property that is owned by one partner before the marriage is separate property. This principle applies to both tangible and digital assets. If you own a car and then you get married, that car is your separate property. If you own cryptocurrency or NFTs and then you get married, those assets are separate property. Everything that you and your spouse acquire during your marriage is community property, whether it’s a car, a house, Bitcoin, or NFTs.

Assessing Value of Digital Assets

Cryptocurrency is volatile and its value can change quickly and frequently. This can make valuation challenging—certainly more difficult than assessing the value of real estate and other real property. Bringing in a cryptocurrency expert is often necessary.

When only one person is investing in crypto and doing so on a small scale, the other partner may be willing to let them keep all of it, and that’s not just because it’s expensive to bring in an expert, but also because the volatility of crypto means the value can crash suddenly. One notable example you may have heard about is from May 2022 when cryptocurrency LUNA lost 98% of its value in just 5 days!

Can Cryptocurrency Be Used to Hide Assets?

Because cryptocurrency can be difficult to trace, some people may worry that a spouse is hiding assets in a digital crypto wallet...and some people may actually have the intention of hiding assets via crypto.

So does crypto make it easy to hide assets? Yes and no. In many cases, it’s not too difficult to figure out that money has been put into a “hot” wallet (like Coinbase” which is a crypto wallet connected to the internet. It can be a little tougher to work out where crypto assets are when they’re stored in a “cold” wallet which is a crypto wallet kept on a hard drive and not connected to the internet. However, there is a record of transfers into and out of hot wallets, so it’s not impossible to figure out—but it can be expensive. Again, this is where a forensic crypto expert will need to be consulted.

NOTE: The penalties for attempting to hide assets during a divorce are severe. Whether you are thinking of moving money to a bank in the Cayman Islands, transferring the deed to property to a third party, secretly stashing cash under your mattress, or attempting to conceal cryptocurrency in a cold wallet, any attempt to hide assets of any kind and not be completely forthcoming with your soon-to-be ex-spouse will result in serious consequences from the court.

Again, if you’re getting divorced and cryptocurrency or NFTs are something in dispute, my recommendations are that you (1) be prepared to pay for an expert to determine valuation AND (2) be willing to have a cooperative attitude in dividing assets, and the best way to do so is to work with a mediator or a Collaborative Divorce Team to you help you work through this and other difficult issues.

The Role of Prenuptial and Post-marital Agreements with Crypto and NFTs

The primary reason to work with your spouse to create a prenuptial or post-marital agreement is to document your mutual understanding of the ownership of assets. My experience is that when couples have the necessary conversations to lead to creation of an agreement, they don’t feel they’re planning to separate. On the contrary, they gain understanding of one another’s values and priorities, respect for the other person’s point of view, and peace of mind about their financial security.

When assets are acquired during a marriage, especially those of significant value or those that can dramatically increase or decrease in value, couples who update their prenuptial agreement or (if they don’t have a prenuptial agreement) create a post-marital agreement enjoy the same benefits—understanding, respect, and peace of mind. Post-marital agreements have additional requirements from Premarital agreements, so please schedule an attorney consultation before assuming that the same rules apply. Our office can help you sort these issues out with your spouse.

The time to discuss important issues in a marriage is always ASAP. Don’t let questions, concerns, or fears linger and fester. Money can be a touchy subject even within very happy marriages, and you might feel unsure how to broach the topic with your spouse. Turn to a mediator or Collaborative Team and let us facilitate difficult conversations and provide expert legal advice during the process, whether you are planning a wedding, are happily married, or contemplating separation or divorce. We’re here to help.

In the ideal world, this is a happy time of year, full of family, friends, food, fun, and festivities! But for those who have gone through a divorce, this season can be painful, especially if you have children. The first few Christmases after a divorce are often particularly difficult as you adjust to a new normal and mourn the loss of family gatherings and traditions that used to bring you joy.

But even though you might be dealing with feelings of loneliness, sadness, and even fear, try to remember that this can be a season of new beginnings and the road to future happiness.

Here are 10 tips and ideas to help you make the absolute best of the holiday season—for you, and for your kids.

1. Feel your feelings, but don’t completely surrender to them.

You’re going to feel a range of emotions, and it’s okay to feel all of them. Realize feelings will come in waves. Acknowledge that it’s normal to experience grief, resentment, stress, and countless other emotions. Don’t let them rule you though or you’ll miss out on all the good stuff. (There is still good stuff!)

2. Talk to your kids honestly…and really listen to them.

Plastering on a fake smile and pretending everything is perfect isn’t going to fool anyone, especially your children. If you’re feeling sad about the changes to life and the holidays rhythm, imagine how much more difficult and confusing it is for kids who had no say in whether their parents stayed together. Children of every age need help adjusting after divorce. Assure them that feelings of anger, sadness, and confusion are normal. Let them talk. Don’t judge. Ask them how they feel. Ask them for suggestions about what would make the holidays the most enjoyable. Listen and truly consider their point of view.

3. Assess which traditions to hold onto and make adjustments.

Some of your family traditions may be very important to you, perhaps because they’re rooted in your religious beliefs or because you’ve brought them from your childhood into adulthood and the family you created with your spouse. Somet traditions, however, may be more like habits and not particularly meaningful to you. It’s okay to make changes to your current traditions or even let some of them go completely to make room for new ones that make more sense for your new situation and family structure. Honor the traditions your children have with their other parent, even if you are no longer involved in them.

4. Don’t be afraid to make new traditions.

While it’s hard to let go of old traditions, this is actually a wonderful time to make new ones. Whether you’re on your own or you have children, think about new ways to make new memories that aren’t burdened with the echo of Christmases past when you were still married. What about passing out cookies to less fortunate people? Or bringing a care package to a struggling neighbor as a secret “caper” together? You may find you like some of your new traditions even better than the old ones! What are some things you’ve heard some people enjoy that you might like to try? This is the year to experiment with new options!

5. Accept invitations.

Resist the urge to isolate. You may not be in a celebratory mood, but say YES to invitations as often as you can so you can be in the company of people who love and support you. Even going out with people just for fun is a great way to shake off a funk! It might be awkward to attend someone else’s family functions, especially for Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, but you just might have a great time. And when you let someone do something nice for you, like invite you into their home for Christmas dinner, you allow them to experience the joy of giving. Accept graciously…and enjoy!

6. Reach out to others who might be feeling lonely.

Not sure who to spend Christmas with? Think about who you know who may also be feeling alone. You likely have friends who are single, divorced or widowed, who are estranged from their families, who have lost parents to illness, or who are new to the area. Invite them over and to share a favorite holiday meal or dessert or to do something festive like view holiday lights or go to a play or concert.

7. Put differences aside for a whole-family event if possible.

This may seem impossible, but have you talked to your ex-spouse about doing something together with the kids so they can experience having the whole family together, if only for a little while? Perhaps you can take one short outing or participate in one tradition that has been particularly fun or meaningful for all of you. Some families are successful in doing this, and if you can do it too, it’s worth the extra effort. Your children will thank you later. If possible, put hurt feelings away for a couple of hours and show your children that in spite of the divorce, you’re still family in the most important sense of the word.

8. Take time to treat yourself.

Counter the tough feelings by doing things that lift your spirits, especially if you’re spending the holidays alone. Get a massage, listen to your favorite music, take yourself to see the kind of movie your spouse didn’t enjoy, rearrange the furniture for a fresh look, buy yourself something you really want, have a meal you’ve been craving…be kind to yourself.

9. Exercise and eat mindfully.

Move your body. Take a walk. Go to the gym. Eat healthy food. Don’t completely overindulge with fattening meals and desserts and alcohol. Both alcohol as well as fatty and sugary foods have been shown to promote depression and anxiety after the initial high of consuming them has worn off. Exercise promotes endorphins and makes you feel good. So treat yourself a little, but remember that exercising and fueling your body with nutritious food are absolutely essential for maintaining good mental and emotional health, so make it a priority.

10. Remind yourself of the true reason for the season.

For all of us, Christmas is a time of giving generously and receiving graciously, and whether you are married or divorced, you can still experience all the season offers. If you are a believer, then Christmas has an even deeper meaning, and this is a time to celebrate and be grateful for the birth of our Savior. Whatever is happening or has happened with your marriage and your family, trust that today’s painful feelings will pass and that you will be okay as you trust God, the only one who truly understands all of you, and every part of your situation. Don’t let your current circumstances stop your celebration and acknowledgement of your Heavenly Father who loves you, and all the joy that comes with keeping your heart open.

A Compassionate Divorce Process Is a Good Starting Point

If you are preparing to go through the divorce process, I’d like to encourage you to consider mediation or a collaborative divorce. With both of these options, you and your partner have support in communicating and compromising as you come to resolutions about all the difficult issues that come with ending a marriage. Both processes allow you to work together to make decisions about what will be best for your children. In addition, a full collaborative divorce team even includes a person who speaks on behalf of the children, giving them a real voice. When you choose one of these no-court divorce processes, you and your partner will benefit from facilitated communication that often helps couples move past the bitterness sooner—sometimes enabling them to have holidays together, or at least leaving them to feel good about the arrangements they both agreed to about how to split time during these precious occasions.

by Jeanne Browne