A few years ago, one of my mediation matters involved high levels of conflict to the point that they did not even want to be on the same zoom mediation screen with me, much less be in the same room together for an in-person meeting. Often during our sessions, they would declare the need for a break, and we would go off screen and come back 10 minutes later so that there was time to reflect and regain composure.
We all know that divorce and legal separations can be incredibly challenging, often bringing out a hurricane of emotions ranging from anger and grief to frustration, confusion and often fear. In the midst of these unsettled feelings, it’s easy to fall into adversarial communication patterns that can exacerbate conflicts and lead to prolonged disputes and even expensive court hearings where lawyers are hired to do the “talking” for the client, removing the client’s power to make his or her own decisions.
Let’s step back and consider other options. Could embracing kindness and compassion during negotiations lead to more positive outcomes for all involved? The children, extended families, and the separating spouses also? I have seen that happen in my own collaborative law practice.
Understanding Kindness and Compassion
Before weighing the benefits, it’s important to define what we mean by kindness and compassion. Kindness is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. Compassion goes a step further, involving empathy and a deep understanding of another’s feelings and experiences. In the context of divorce or legal separation, these qualities can transform negotiations from confrontational battles into collaborative discussions aimed at achieving mutual benefit.
Benefits of Kindness and Compassion in Divorce Negotiations
- Encourages Open Communication: When both parties approach negotiations with kindness, they create a safe space for open dialogue between them. This openness allows for the expression of feelings and concerns, which can lead to more productive discussions and ultimately, better agreements. Collaborative coaches and attorneys are trained in helping parties use the most effective and neutral language possible in communicating possible settlement ideas. It would not be “She wants the house” but instead would be: “Would we open to brainstorming and jointly reviewing various options that could allow my client say in the home, even for maybe a couple of years until the children graduate?’”
- Reduces Stress and Anxiety: When a couple separates, the energy between them can be stressful enough without adding hostility to the mix. Kindness and compassion can help alleviate some of the emotional burdens, leading to a calmer negotiation atmosphere. This can benefit both the parties and their children.
- Encourages Cooperation: Divorce involves shared assets and future obligations. In one of my collaborative cases, one spouse had a significantly larger retirement account, while the other had investments in a business. They recognized that both assets were crucial for their future financial security. They agreed to trade a portion of the retirement account for a share in the business, which allowed the business managing spouse to retain control and continue growing it, while the other spouse secured a more diversified retirement plan. This agreement addressed both parties’ needs for financial security and future stability. The parties in this matter really looked at the bigger picture and communicated with respect as they worked through their agreement.
Often in collaborative divorce process there is neutral coach to help the couple reframe their communications with each other. By fostering a cooperative spirit through kindness, both parties are more likely to work together toward solutions that respect each other’s needs and desires.
- Promotes Better Outcomes: Studies show that when individuals feel respected and understood, they are more likely to agree to terms that are fair and beneficial. For example, if one spouse wanted to keep the family home due to emotional attachments, productive discussions over how other spouse would pay a for half the community equity. Kindly asking,
“Would you be able to accept payout on the house via a tradeoff to allow me to keep more of my retirement accounts, or maybe another asset?
For instance, try using your words wisely: Ask questions about the needs of your spouse as this could reveal that refinancing right now would incur a higher interest rate, and respecting that concern is important. Letting each other know that you were open to discuss another method for payment, or an agreed delayed payment, is better than just saying “No, that doesn’t work for me – sorry!” The language used in negotiations can either build bridges or create barriers. Opt for positive, non-confrontational language, even when discussing difficult topics.
- Builds a Foundation for Future Co-Parenting: Maintaining a civil relationship is crucial for effective co-parenting. By modeling a caring attitude toward the other parent when discussing parenting concerns, this sets a positive tone and enhances the children’s best interests and well-being. Practicing active-listening is a good skill to master where you will truly listen to your partner’s concerns without interrupting. Acknowledging feelings can go a long way in reducing defensiveness.
- Allows for Emotional Healing: Do your best not to allow your divorce situation to leave deep emotional wounds. Approaching the process with hope, and getting professional guidance when needed, can facilitate healing. This emotional healing can also lead to better decision-making during negotiations, and peace for your future. That is something your family will cherish forever.
Kindness and compassion are powerful tools in divorce negotiations, and for a better post-divorce future in general. By prioritizing these qualities, you can reach a successful resolution with greater ease, leading to more amicable outcomes. Ultimately, choosing kindness not only benefits the negotiation itself but also sets the stage for a healthier future for everyone involved. As we navigate the complexities of divorce, let us remember that empathy and understanding can pave the way to a brighter, more harmonious tomorrow. Isn’t that important to just about everyone these days?
If you would like to meet with our office to review your divorce situation, please reach out to me via JMB@jeannebrowne.com to schedule an appointment.