I’m not one to pay attention to celebrity news, but this March it was impossible for all of us to avoid hearing about the Oscars and “the slap heard round the world.” While the incessant gossip around the event certainly wasn’t productive, it did bring a few topics into the spotlight that I think are worth brief attention. We can always learn from the experiences of others, and I believe there are some lessons to learn from the people involved in this high-profile incident.
In Case You Missed It
In the unlikely event you didn’t hear about it, here’s what happened. . .
After Oscar emcee Chris Rock cracked a joke at the expense of Will Smith’s wife Jada, Will stormed onto the stage and smacked Chris right across the face. Chris tried to brush it off as Will walked back to his seat, but Will was clearly angry and continued to yell out while seated. To say it was shocking and awkward would be an understatement. You can read elsewhere for more details, I just wanted to comment on a couple of issues such as how trauma effects our relationships with each other, and how premarital agreement terms come up in celebrity divorces.
What We Can Learn From Chris Rock—It’s Probably Not What You Think
After that night, a lot of conversation focused on how well Chris took the hit—physically and emotionally. Clearly he was stunned, but he didn’t retaliate with his hands or with jokes (the latter of which would likely have been far more devastating to Will, as Chris is a skilled comedian, after all).
Upon being struck, subtle body language cues (a step back, a clenched fist) indicated his instincts kicked in immediately as he prepared in case the confrontation escalated. Simultaneously, however, he maintained his composure and continued to handle himself with an impressive level of professionalism and grace.
Many people commented that Chris reacted like a guy who has taken hits in the past. Turns out, Chris shared in multiple interviews that while growing up he was the victim of a lot of bullying, partly because he was small and partly because he was black. In one interview with Dana Carvey and David Spade, Chris told a story about a particularly humiliating experience he suffered at the hands of a bully at a party and how he retaliated by beating him severely. (This comment made me consider our culturally diverse society and how we treat others of another race, religion, or socio-economic status. Perhaps we all could benefit from training in diversity, equity and inclusion, and learning to avoid using unhealthy forms of anger.)
Does Your Anger Scare You?
Chris said he realized years later in therapy that from that moment forward, he was afraid to express his anger at all. As a result of being “scared of [his] anger,” he “let the whole world walk over” him—including friends, family, and romantic partners. He talked about his low self-esteem on a podcast with Howard Stern. While he felt confident about himself professionally, in the personal realm he said, “I just feel not worthy of anyone’s attention, anyone’s love, any accolades, just anything.”
This made me sad because I think it’s heartbreaking to hear a person express this kind of pain. It’s unfortunately predictable that unresolved hurt of this magnitude would manifest itself in unhealthy ways in a marriage. After all, we bring all of ourselves—good and bad—into a relationship. Chris admitted to struggling with an addiction to porn and being unfaithful in his marriage. In his 2018 standup special, he talked about his shortcomings as a husband. “I didn’t listen. I wasn’t kind. I had an attitude. I thought, ‘I pay for everything, I can do what I want.’” (Maybe not the easiest type of person to be married to.)
Perhaps, then, Chris wasn’t surprised when his wife filed for divorce after 18 years of marriage. Later, he seemed to show he had a clear understanding of his responsibility. He brought it on himself, he said, and “some of these lessons you’ve just got to learn…some man lessons.” In his special, he also gave a simple but profound piece of advice: “You don’t wanna get divorced. You got somebody you love? Hold tight, commit.” (Good advice, Chris.)
What can we learn from Chris Rock? We learn that our unresolved childhood traumas can have a profoundly destructive effect on our interaction with others, and on our marriages. Seeking the help of professionals, and actually following their seasoned advice, brings the healthiest version of ourselves to all of our relationships, and also gives us the best possible chance at a happy, lasting marriage.
The Rock Prenuptial Agreement – What’s a “Sunset” Clause?
By the way, when Chris’s wife, Malaak Compton-Rock filed for divorce, she did so just after the “expiration date” of their prenuptial agreement. If you didn’t know, some premarital agreements contain an expiration date (or sunset clause), now you do! It’s not very common, but in some situations, it makes sense. If this is something you or your partner want to include in a prenuptial agreement, you’ll want to seek out good advice from an experienced and trusted family attorney who will work to protect your interests.
Ms. Compton-Rock waited to file for divorce until after the agreement had expired, giving her the highest possible payout from Chris’ net worth of $70 million. (What are your thoughts about that?)
When consulting with clients regarding terms in a prenuptial agreements and concerns around validity, sometimes it makes sense to wait for a sunset clause to arrive rather than pay enormous amounts of attorney fees to fight over whether it was valid in the first place. But waiting could involve enduring an abusive relationship for an extended period of time. Tough choices for sure.
Lesson: If you have a prenuptial agreement, it’s a good idea to review it every so often. If major changes take place for either of you financially, update the agreement. While you’re married, it can be changed and amended if both parties agree (called a Post-Nuptial Agreement). If your agreement has a sunset provision, make sure you keep an eye on your marriage and on the expiration date, and make changes as needed—to both!
Lessons from Will and Jada Smith
If we’re going to talk about the incident at the Oscars and lessons to learn about marriage, we may want to address the marriage between Will and Jada. They’ve spoken openly about their struggles with infidelity and an arrangement that can be politely described as unconventional. It’s not my place to diagnose the relationship or judge either of them, so in an attempt to avoid doing that, let me say that I have a great deal of compassion for the Smiths. What happens inside a marriage should stay in the marriage as much as possible.
For support and advice, consider working with a trusted professional counselor to protect your privacy and the privacy of others. Do your best to resist the urge to share intimate details with friends and family. It’s hard for people who love you not to take sides and perhaps hold on to anger and resentment. For instance, if you have children, you know the other parent will be part of your children’s lives forever, so forgiveness works wonders for those ready to move forward. Unfortunately, other family members may not be ready to forgive yet, thus putting a strain on future family-focused events like graduations and weddings, etc.
In summary, our lessons learned:
- Best to hold your composure when confronted with an assault.
- Learn to hold your marriage as priority and keep your private life as private as possible.
- Prenuptial Agreements are protected confidential documents. They are only exposed to public view when couples cannot reach an agreement out of court regarding how to enforce them.
- It is best to use Collaborative Attorneys to prepare prenuptial or post-nuptial agreements or enforce them. Cooperation and sound legal counsel keep you out from under the public microscope.
My wish for you is that you enjoy a fulfilling and happy marriage. I believe creating a prenuptial agreement can be a valuable tool in giving both you and your partner a solid start and peace of mind. Read more about prenuptial agreements here, and contact us if you would like to explore your options in a confidential consultation.