Can two people ending a marriage really cooperate to create good outcomes for themselves and their children? It isn’t easy, but it can be done—especially if they use the collaborate divorce process.
As tempting as some may find the idea of hiring a ruthless bulldog lawyer and going after the other person for everything they’ve got, divorce is tough enough without purposefully trying to cause more hurt. And if there are children involved, it’s even more important to keep conflict and anger to a minimum.
If you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse are willing to approach the divorce process with openness and a desire to compromise, a collaborative divorce can have many positive benefits for you, your partner, and your children. The “full” collaborative team consists of the two parties, two attorneys, two trained “coaches” (one for each party) or one “neutral” coach (if you so choose) to facilitate effective communication, a neutral financial consultant, and a child specialist to serve as the voice of your dependent children.
Here are just a few of the major advantages in choosing collaborative divorce over a traditional “courtroom” divorce.
Better Overall Outcomes for Everyone
Because a collaborative divorce requires that both parties come together in a spirit of cooperation, negotiations are often less adversarial than in a traditional divorce process. The voluntary nature of a collaborative divorce makes it far more likely that you’ll both be starting off on the right foot—with an eye toward compromise and securing a win-win agreement.
Stops the Revolving Door of Returning to Court
One of the frustrating things about divorce can be when you think it’s all over but your ex-spouse refuses to honor agreements already made. This often opens up an endless cycle of fighting and going back to court, which is expensive and emotionally draining. But with a collaborative divorce, decisions are made jointly by both parties—not mandated by a judge—which often results in everyone trying a lot harder to follow through on their commitments without putting up a fight.
Happier Kids (this one is big!)
The collaborative divorce process gives children a much stronger voice than in a traditional divorce process. A child specialist will speak with your kids and find out their concerns and preferences and then act as their advocate during the negotiation process. As you can imagine, this critical component can really help dampen down the hostility and adversarial dynamic that sometimes exists between two parents who each think they know better than the other what is best for the children. Consider, too, that in a traditional divorce, a judge often makes important decisions about critical issues like visitation and child support, and he or she will do so without knowing you or your children on a personal level. But in a collaborative divorce, you and your spouse work together to make decisions you know will be best for the health and happiness of your most treasured concern, your children.
A Streamlined Process at Your Preferred Pace
Because you’re not beholden to the schedule of the court, you can move the process along at your own pace. You won’t waste time waiting to be scheduled to see the judge, waiting for your case to be called, waiting for your next hearing, and so on. Avoiding all these logistical delays can really help reduce everyone’s stress as well. Move quickly if you both want resolution as quickly as possible, or move more slowly if you need more time to deal with difficult emotions, give your children additional time to adjust, or for any other reason.
More Privacy and Confidentiality
When you go through a collaborative divorce process, much less of your private information becomes publicly available than if you go through litigation. The details of the conversations among you, your partner, and other team members are kept confidential, and no final paperwork is filed with the court unless and until both parties agree to the language used.
Often Less Expensive
In many cases, a collaborative divorce is cheaper than going the traditional litigation route. Even though there are more professionals involved—all of whom need to be paid—the process often is smoother and can completed more quickly that when the two parties are fighting to win in court.
Are There Any Potential Downsides to a Collaborative Divorce?
The list above explains just a few of the reasons you may want to seriously consider using the collaborative divorce process. In my many decades as a family law attorney, I have consistently witnessed that couples who choose this option experience a smoother separation and less conflict during negotiations and even after an agreement is reached.
That’s not to say a collaborative divorce is for everyone, or that it’s necessarily a perfect solution for you and your family. Here are some things to consider:
You can only use the process if both of you agree to it. You don’t have to get along or agree on everything (if you did, you probably wouldn’t be divorcing), but you DO both have to commit to a spirit of cooperation and compromise in your negotiations. If one person isn’t interested, or won’t stay committed to the process, it won’t work. Also, if you are not committed to having mature conversations in a business-like setting, but instead insist on speaking negatively about your former partner during the meetings, it would not be a good fit for you.
If you don’t trust your spouse to be honest about finances, it could put you at risk. Because this is a voluntary process, both parties must agree to be completely forthcoming about financial assets and debts—and it’s based on the honor system. You’ll have a mutual financial expert to help with negotiations and ask for additional documentation, but because there’s no court-ordered financial discovery process (subpoenas to obtain documents from third parties) in a collaborative divorce, honesty is essential.
A collaborative divorce isn’t always the cheaper option in the short run. In fact, sometimes it’s more expensive (but certainly not always). You’ll be working with your chosen team of collaborative professionals, all of whom will be charging for their time. It’s up to you and your spouse how many experts to involve, but at a minimum, you should expect to have two attorneys. Then you could agree as necessary to add a neutral divorce coach, and a neutral financial expert–and if you have children, a child specialist. (Still, even if the short-term expenses seem higher, remember that you can move the process as quickly as you both agree to, and since you’ll both be more likely to be satisfied with the outcome, you’ll save money in the long run by avoiding further fighting in court.)
If you can’t reach an agreement, you’ll have to have another attorney for court hearings. At the outset of the collaborative divorce process, the parties agree that if either spouse backs out or if the couple is unable to reach an agreement, the process will end and a traditional litigation divorce process will begin. You’ll have to get new attorneys; however, the disclosure documents you have already exchanged will be helpful to your new attorney who would pick up where you left off. One important thing to note is that your collaborative attorneys are highly motivated to help you reach an agreement through collaboration, even if it is on a few of the issues, leaving one or two issues for the judge to decide for you.
The Bottom Line: It’s an Option Worth Exploring
Overall, the potential benefits to a collaborative divorce make it an option well worth considering. I’ve seen my clients who go this route secure far better outcomes for everyone in the family than most of those who take the traditional litigation route. The best way to make the determination if it’s right for you is to talk to an experienced collaborative divorce attorney who will take the time to learn about your specific situation and give you thoughtful advice. Contact us today for a confidential conversation.