The end of a marriage is an incredibly difficult time for everyone involved and it can bring up many hard emotions—sadness, grief, stress, depression, anxiety, anger, hurt, and fear. These feelings can be present whether you initiated the divorce, or you feel like you’re one being rejected and left behind. Even if the divorce is mutual and amicable, both parties will likely deal with stress, sadness, and fear. Change is coming and change means facing the unknown. Fear is a natural emotion during such a time. 

What might you or your spouse be fearful about? Loss. Both of you might have some very real fears about losing your 

  • Family home and all the memories you made there 
  • Stability and familiarity of routines for yourself and your kids 
  • Financial reliability of your spouse’s income or your combined incomes 
  • Money that will have to be used to pay attorneys (or will be awarded to your spouse as support) 
  • Mutual friends and your shared social circle 
  • Relationships with your spouse’s family  
  • Your partner and best friend 
  • Dreams and visions you held for a shared future 

There will be loss, to be sure. But does there need to be so much fear? I don’t think so. Perhaps you’ve heard that FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. Over the years, I’ve seen fear become a destructive and driving factor throughout divorce proceedings. When we are afraid, we panic and we operate from a position of scarcity. Our imagination and worry run wild. And then everything we experience is interpreted as another real reason to be afraid—even when it isn’t real at all. 

Drowning in Fear? 

Imagine you are staying at a hotel and you decide to walk out to the pool area. No one is outside, but you hear splashing in the water. As you approach, you see a woman struggling and gasping for air. Her arms are flailing wildly over her head but she can’t keep her face above the water. Each time her mouth comes to the surface, she gulps in a big breath of air, but it’s obvious she can’t swim.  

You notice she’s in the shallow end of the pool. She could straighten her legs and stand up. But she doesn’t. She’s thrashing and she’s panicking. But why? Fear has taken over! 

Your first thought might be to jump in the water and save her. While your impulse would be righteous, the action would be ill-advised. Why? Because drowning people often drown their would-be saviors! If you got within arm’s reach of her, she would almost certainly grab onto you for dear life and push you down as a way to get up above the surface. Her fear of death would be so overpowering that she wouldn’t even notice that was hurting you as she tried to save herself. 

That’s why the better advice is to throw a life preserver or floatation device to the person or hold an object out to them so they can grab on while you stay at a safe distance. It’s not selfish of you—it keeps you both alive. 

Life Doesn’t End When a Marriage Ends 

When a marriage is ending, some people feel as if life is ending! It’s so scary that they panic—and they take others down with them. They don’t think rationally. They don’t plan. They don’t compromise. They don’t communicate clearly. They don’t consider the needs and feelings of their partner. Instead, they focus on their own loss and they try desperately to get as much as they can because they’re overwhelmed with fear about what they’re losing. 

I have seen so many divorcing couples allow fear to take over and completely derail any hope of mutual agreement and compromise. In a traditional courtroom divorce, the couple turns over so much control to the attorneys and the judge, which often makes them feel even MORE out of control and therefore even MORE fearful. It’s a terrible downward spiral. 

In contrast, when couples use the collaborative divorce process or mediation, communication is central…and communication is the antidote to fear.  

As a trained mediator, I am able to help you express yourself and talk through the fear—and this actually helps you become less afraid. Because you are in control of the process, you gain more control over your feelings. You worry less about losing the fight and losing face in front of your partner. I help you communicate and tell each other the truth and create win-win agreements. It’s a positive spiral. 

When I represent you in a collaborative divorce, I’m part of a team of professionals who are all trained in helping couples come to mutually satisfying decisions. The team even includes one or two divorce coaches whose whole purpose is to coach you through the process and help you communicate effectively with one another—no matter what kind of feelings are present. We all work very hard to help you create resolutions in spite of fear, resentment, jealousy, sadness, entitlement, or whatever other natural (but sabotaging) feelings are there. 

FEAR: Finances, Emotions, Assets, Reality Check 

One way I like to look at FEAR is as an acronym for planning, organizing decisions, and maintaining perspective throughout the mediation or collaboration process so that you can maintain control and NOT turn control over to a judge: 

F – Finances. You will both need to be upfront about your income and capacity to earn, your financial needs, and how you’ll provide for your dependent children. 

E – Emotions. You will both need to agree to listen to each other and not hit below the belt while you discuss the terms of the divorce. You may decide that engaging in therapy is a good way to work through difficult emotions outside of collaborative or mediation sessions. 

A – Assets. You will both need to give an honest accounting of what you own and what you owe and embrace a spirit of compromise as you divide things up. Let go of doing what you think is “equal” or “fair” and instead try to be kind. If you both do that, you’ll create a win-win overall. 

R – Reality Check. Everybody loses things in a divorce and both people are in pain. It’s not a misery contest. You both are starting over, and while that will be difficult and sad, it is also an opportunity for new beginnings. Nothing that happens in a courtroom or during the divorce process will wipe away all the pain, and there is no magic wand to ensure justice, fairness, or a victory. You’ll both be making a transition into a new phase of life, and you will be okay.  

FEAR: What Does It Mean, Really? 

As you go through this journey, consider embracing one of the optimistic meanings of FEAR: 

> FEAR – For Everything A Reason 

> FEAR – Face Everything And Rise 

> FEAR – Feel Excited And Ready! 

I would be honored to help you along this path as you end one chapter of your life and begin a new one. Please reach out to schedule a consultation whenever you are ready. 

Learn more about collaborative divorce. 

Learn more about mediation.