Forgiveness vs. Trust with Jeanne Browne
Sonoma County Divorce Lawyer specializing in collaborative mediation.
My last two blog entries addressed “HOW can I forgive my ex?” “And WHY should I forgive my ex? Now we address, “Do I have to trust him/her again?”
What if my ex continues to yell at me in front of the children?
Example: Let’s say you are exchanging the children at Starbucks and your ex is mad you are late, so while grabbing your shoulders he/she screams in your face and pushes you against your car door. This is not healthy behavior! IT IS IMPORTANT to remember that “trusting” him/her again is not the same as forgiveness. Trust must be earned.
A person must show through action that he/she is trustworthy before you trust again.
How do you set appropriate limits to prevent future harm?
Here’s a strategy:
State Your Expectations/Limits. Example: “Les, I am noticing that you are starting to raise your voice in front of the kids, and that is unacceptable to me. I will only listen to your opinion if you speak in a calm voice, without accusations.” “If you do not lower your voice, and agree to have this conversation away from our children, I will leave right now.”
Then you MUST follow through!
ONCE YOU DO, you send a clear message that you are going to do things differently in the future and your word can be trusted.
Only when your clear stated expectations are routinely followed by your ex, should you be willing to trust having ANY conversation in front of the children. If you honor this boundary and walk away, or not get out of the car to allow a conversation to occur at a custody exchange, then eventually your ex will figure out that you are not going to engage. (A friend’s strategy was to sip her iced mocha and keep her teeth clenched on her straw to resist her temptation to utter even one syllable!)
Do whatever you can to move forward with good boundaries for yourself and your children. Building trust again is possible if your limits are honored. If they are not, then protect yourself.
* Ask: Has this person proven himself/herself trustworthy? This guides wise decision-making.