“Bill and Melinda Gates – NPG Washington DC” by FaceMePLS is licensed under CC BY 2.0
It was sad for me to hear the news of Melinda and Bill Gates deciding to separate after 27 years of marriage. I have seen the increase myself of what is being called the “Gray Divorce” or in the Gateses’ situation, perhaps the “Silver Divorce.” Confusing sometimes, isn’t it? They seemed to have it together.
Unlike many divorcing couples, the Gates probably were not fighting over who forgot to log in the ATM withdrawal without telling the other. I mean with a net worth of roughly $130 billion, it doesn’t appear there were money woes. While there have been rumors of infidelity, their public outcry was for us to honor their “space and privacy” at this time. I really hope we do–for them, and especially for the sake of their children. There’s likely to be a lot of grieving going on, not just with them, but with their entire family.
It is mystifying watching couples separate when they seem to have a really great marriage. After all, Bill and Melinda regularly travelled and laughed together, and shared mutual interests. They taught their children about world hunger, health risks, and poverty and then formed a successful charitable organization to put actions to their words and caring motives.
After viewing a few snapshots of the Gateses’ children on vacations and meetings with world leaders with their parents over the years, I couldn’t help but want to reach out and ask them about their feelings about all of this.
Divorce Affects Children at Every Age
Their oldest, Jennifer, age 25, is in medical school, and seems to be close to getting married herself. I wonder if she worries about getting married or how best to make it a lasting commitment. Or maybe she wonders about how life will be different for her younger brother Rory, who’s 21. Perhaps she is more concerned about how her younger sister Phoebe is handling this shocking news, since she is barely 18 and has just endured a COVID high school experience.
One thing is for sure: these young adults are greatly affected by their parents’ decision to divorce and likely have no power to change it. Research has shown that no matter the age of children when their parents decide to divorce, they all wish their parents would have talked more with them about it and allowed their voice to be considered, or at least heard and acknowledged.
Collaborative Divorce Keeps Families Out of Court and Supports Privacy
I hope Bill and Melinda decide to use a confidential no-court option such as a collaborative divorce process, as it would honor their need for privacy while still equitably resolving their differences with skilled legal representation. They can have a team of trained professionals to address the financial, legal, and emotional aspects of their decision, and even allow their children to have a voice to bring understanding to their needs, even as adults.
Children Have a Stronger Voice with a Collaborative Divorce or Mediation
What type of divorce process allows adult children to have a voice? Certainly not the traditional litigation model. While there are mixed views about having minor children of divorce speak to a judge about their preferences, more courts have been willing listen to their input and give some weight to their opinion if the child I considered to be a “well-reasoned minor.” (This is obviously somewhat of a vague term, but generally it means the court recognizes the young person as having a good head on their shoulders.) No courts interview adult children because when there are no minors involved, there is no custody dispute–the kids are no longer kids.
In California, even a minor child’s preference or choice regarding living arrangement does not control the judge’s decision, so outcomes vary. It is more common for children’s views to be seriously considered in voluntary “out of court” processes such as mediation or collaborative law where couples can mutually agree to involve a trained mental health professional called a “child specialist.” This specialist can interview not only the children, but also other adults involved in the lives of the children such as therapists, teachers, sports coaches, and tutors.
Even Adult Children Need Time to Heal
Perhaps Bill and Melinda waited until Phoebe turned 18 for a reason. Maybe they saw the benefit of a divorce with no custody battle, and figured Phoebe would be off to college and largely unaffected by their split. But the pain still runs deep for children whose parents divorce, even when the child is technically an adult. It is important to address divorce as a painful disruption to the entire family dynamic, and each member of the family—regardless of age—will need to go through a personal healing process.
No Prenuptial Agreement?
As a side note, I was a bit surprised by the news reports that they had not entered into a prenuptial agreement. However, since neither Bill nor Melinda had any children before they married, perhaps they felt they didn’t need documented protection—at the time of the wedding, there was no fear that their biological children would not receive an inheritance. Even so, the absence of a prenuptial agreement opens them up to more stressful conflicts over finances and assets, but I’m hopeful that will not be the case for them.
Good Communication and Respect Will Help Them and Their Children
Overall, I wish the Gates family only the best. My hope is that as parents they model good communication and respect for one another throughout this divorce process, and continue to teach Jennifer, Rory, and Phoebe about how to use their talents, skills, education, and finances to serve others. May they continue working together, as a family, so that the needs of those experiencing disease and poverty in our world will be met by their joint efforts.
Despite the bumps in the road ahead that will inevitably come as the result of a marriage coming to an end, may they all find the right path for their future.
There are many lessons to learn from the story of this high-profile divorce. Read my follow-up post, 8 Lessons We Can Learn From the “Gray Divorce” of Bill and Melinda Gates.
Learn more about out-of-court options for divorce including collaborative practice and mediation services.