The “HOW” of Forgiveness with Jeanne Browne
Sonoma County Divorce Lawyer
Not all spouses will be able to forgive their ex for what happened during the marriage or divorce. But we need to know that “forgiveness” is always an “option on the menu.” Last time I wrote about “WHY” to forgive. Now let’s tackle the “HOW.”
Let’s remember what forgiveness is NOT. It is NOT condoning the wrong, it is NOT minimizing the hurt, and it is NOT the same as reconciliation. It is NOT an admission that the damage done was “OK” in any way. And it is NOT permission to do it again, NOR does it dispose of future accountability for the wrongdoer. It is NOT sweeping conflict under the rug.
As to the “HOW” to forgive, there are physical ways to put the emotional hurt behind you, remember YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF THE “HOW.” Create the “HOW” in a way that matches your unique personality! Maybe write down the offense (or draw a picture) and then burn it up (or bury it with flower bulbs) while speaking out loud the hurt you refuse to continue to carry forward. Others meditate and tell each part of their body (hands, arms, feet, shoulders) to release this pain completely.
A few people I know have another symbolic method. They cut many small slips of paper and separately write each wrong done to them; then they physically nail it to a wooden cross to remind them of how God forgave them and they can no longer bear the weight of the anger and hostility that they know is poisoning them inside.
Others have gone to the ocean. They write all their hurts and pain on a rock with a marker, and then catapult it into the depths of the sea, proclaiming that it will no longer weigh them down. Many choose to
write down at least 20 positive results that could eventually come out of this terrible divorce (like finding a new fulfilling career or learning to manage finances) and either they make a poster or list them in a journal.
We all can look back from a time of pain and find some unusual but wonderful benefit that arose from the grief. It does take having bigger perspective in mind, so keep that focus.
Whatever way you chose, I encourage you to find a way, and do it. Claim your HOPE for the future.
Together, let’s ponder the following statement:
Every Conflict Teaches Us What We Most Need to Learn.
Recall your current conflict and ask yourself: What is it here to teach me today?