There’s an interesting and growing trend among the California divorced crowd, and one that makes me a bit sad. So many people who have been married and divorced are saying “I’ll never do THAT again!” A friend of mine who is in her 50s and single shared with me recently that she frequents several online groups and forums on the topic of 50+ dating and she’s astounded at the overwhelming anti-marriage sentiment expressed by many of the members. And it’s not just men–it’s women too. Clearly our society is plagued by many broken hearts afraid to love again.
With Valentine’s Day barely in the rearview mirror and talk of love and romance filling much of February, it seems the right time to talk about taking a second chance on love. As a hopeless romantic and steadfast optimist, I believe love is for everyone–as long as you keep your heart open to it.
As a divorce attorney in California for more than 30 years, I’ve heard it all. Here are three common refrains I hear from those who have loved and lost that love through divorce, and my thoughts about why you should consider giving marriage another shot.
OBJECTION #1: “I never want to put up with a person like that again, and all men/women are the same.”
There are millions of single people in America, and your ex is only one of them. If you punish everyone for the behavior of your former spouse and assume they have all the same flaws, then you must think it’s fair for others to punish you for the sins of their ex and lump you in with everyone else. That doesn’t make any sense, does it? Perhaps you find yourself meeting or dating the same kind of person over and over. We certainly have types we’re attracted to, and any mental health professional will tell you we’re attracted to certain dysfunctions too. Does that mean you’re doomed to repeat your pattern and that if you take the leap into marriage again you’ll get divorced again? No way!
CONSIDER THIS: The good news is we can break our patterns. By doing some inner work, you can find out why you keep attracting and dating certain personality types that are not good long-term matches for you. There are many excellent books published on this topic that you might enjoy reading. You also might consider talking to a therapist to dig a little deeper into why you choose the partners you do–or why you’re afraid to connect with anyone at all. Turning to your pastor or religious leader could also be helpful, as could being contemplative in prayer. As much as you have logical reasons for wanting to avoid going through the same bad experience again, remember that love and heartache aren’t logical, and if you have wounds you can heal, you might be able to find joy in a relationship with a new person who is not your ex.
OBJECTION #2: “I’m not lonely and I don’t want to give up my freedom now that I’m single again.”
Especially if you’ve already raised your children, it might feel unbelievable to finally have your time to yourself and not have to report to anyone or negotiate and compromise about how you spend your evenings, weekends, and holidays. If you had a controlling or domineering spouse who always made you feel like none of your time or energy belonged to you and you alone, it probably feels amazing to have autonomy again, and it’s something you should probably experience for a while as you reacquaint yourself with who you are and what you enjoy. But does getting married really mean you have to give up your freedom? Well, that actually depends entirely on who you marry and the dynamic the two of you agree upon.
CONSIDER THIS: I admit it–I’m of the belief that human beings are divinely intended to couple up and that we are at our very best in a loving union with a supportive partner who shares our values and beliefs. All the good memories you will ever make will be sweeter if you share with someone you love. When you are sick or struggling, having a spouse who cares is the best medicine. Happily married people live longer, recover from serious health episodes more quickly, and generally experience more financial security. Studies show couples who marry are happier than those who just live together. There are lots of good reasons to give marriage a second chance–I talked about several of them in this post. It’s true you’ll have more freedom if you’re alone, but the trade-off for support, companionship, and true love is worth it if you choose the right person to marry.
OBJECTION #3: “I worked hard for what I have and I don’t want to lose half of it in a divorce.”
This is a big one. If you’ve already survived a divorce, you may have taken a big financial hit, and that can be really frustrating and discouraging. Going through a divorce is emotionally rough as it is, but it’s made worse by going through traditional divorce litigation where the judge makes the final decision about everything you and your spouse disagree on. Whether you were the breadwinner, a stay-at-home parent, or an equal income earner, you may feel that the court issued a judgment that wasn’t fair to you and that put you in financial straits. You may have been ordered to pay spousal or child support that was difficult for you to manage. You may have lost money or property to your ex that you felt rightly belonged to you. You may have had to give up part of your business or money from an inheritance or some of your retirement fund, and you may be justifiably bitter about it. I can understand why some people say they’ll never make themselves financially vulnerable like that again. But does getting married always mean putting yourself in financial jeopardy? With proper planning, it doesn’t mean that at all.
CONSIDER THIS: The longer I work with divorcing couples, the more I see the value in having a prenuptial agreement. The friend I mentioned earlier told me she used to think prenups were unromantic and almost an admission that a couple expects the marriage to fail; but as she has seen the fear and hesitation in the over-50 divorced crowd about marriage, she now realizes that a prenuptial agreement actually gives couples the emotional freedom to love again without worrying about one person taking advantage of the other financially. I was gratified to hear that she sees it the way I do–the peace of mind that comes with knowing you will not lose what you’ve worked so hard for gives couples (especially those in the later stages of life) a way to focus on the love and not worry about the money.
My recommendation for all couples considering a second marriage is that they speak to an attorney about protecting their assets with a prenuptial agreement. I especially wish I could speak to more couples where one person wants to get married but their partner is afraid to because of the potential financial loss. So many fears would be put to rest if they understood how simple and straightforward it is to create an agreement that protects both parties. Getting a prenup is not unromantic. On the contrary, getting a prenup allows you to enjoy the romance and keep your hearts and minds trained on the future with optimism. My wish for you is that if you desire love and marriage, you will find it and enjoy it. I know from personal experience that it really can be sweeter the second time around.
Explore your no-court divorce options and the prenuptial process in Santa Rosa and Sonoma County and schedule a confidential consultation with divorce lawyer Jeanne Browne. With more than 30 years of experience helping couples divorce without court through mediation and collaborative practice, she will give you compassionate legal advice on your issues related to family law, divorce, and prenuptial/postnuptial agreements. Click here to schedule a meeting.
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