The “HOW” of Forgiveness
The “HOW” of Forgiveness with Jeanne Browne
Sonoma County Divorce Lawyer
Not all spouses will be able to forgive their ex for what happened during the marriage or divorce. But we need to know that “forgiveness” is always an “option on the menu.” Last time I wrote about “WHY” to forgive. Now let’s tackle the “HOW.”
Let’s remember what forgiveness is NOT. It is NOT condoning the wrong, it is NOT minimizing the hurt, and it is NOT the same as reconciliation. It is NOT an admission that the damage done was “OK” in any way. And it is NOT permission to do it again, NOR does it dispose of future accountability for the wrongdoer. It is NOT sweeping conflict under the rug.
As to the “HOW” to forgive, there are physical ways to put the emotional hurt behind you, remember YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF THE “HOW.” Create the “HOW” in a way that matches your unique personality! Maybe write down the offense (or draw a picture) and then burn it up (or bury it with flower bulbs) while speaking out loud the hurt you refuse to continue to carry forward. Others meditate and tell each part of their body (hands, arms, feet, shoulders) to release this pain completely.
A few people I know have another symbolic method. They cut many small slips of paper and separately write each wrong done to them; then they physically nail it to a wooden cross to remind them of how God forgave them and they can no longer bear the weight of the anger and hostility that they know is poisoning them inside.
Others have gone to the ocean. They write all their hurts and pain on a rock with a marker, and then catapult it into the depths of the sea, proclaiming that it will no longer weigh them down. Many choose to
write down at least 20 positive results that could eventually come out of this terrible divorce (like finding a new fulfilling career or learning to manage finances) and either they make a poster or list them in a journal.
We all can look back from a time of pain and find some unusual but wonderful benefit that arose from the grief. It does take having bigger perspective in mind, so keep that focus.
Whatever way you chose, I encourage you to find a way, and do it. Claim your HOPE for the future.
Together, let’s ponder the following statement:
Every Conflict Teaches Us What We Most Need to Learn.
Recall your current conflict and ask yourself: What is it here to teach me today?
Divorce and Forgiveness
Divorce and Forgiveness with Jeanne Browne
Sonoma County Divorce Lawyer
Questions to Ponder during your Divorce:
1. How can I ever forgive my ex for what he did to me?
2. Why would I even want to forgive him?
3. If I do forgive him, do I have to trust him again?
Divorce brings different levels of anxiety, whether you simply agreed to “go your separate ways,” or it’s a knock-down, drag-out fight over everything from the teddy-bear cookie jar to who gets the kids for 4th of July this year. Maybe your ex cheated on you, hid it, and now pretends as if it is fine to introduce your son to the new relationship just three months later. Hurt. Runs. Deep.
Have you found it difficult to impossible to share joint custody with a self-centered co-parent? Are you so injured deep inside that forgiveness seems virtually impossible? You are not alone! Let’s talk about the “WHY” before we get to question #2.
Recently, a collaborative speaker gave us divorce attorneys some insight and medical facts. Grudges, anger, and resentment cause physical harm to our bodies –sometimes even heart attacks. She said when we harbor hate, thoughts of revenge, and a spirit of hostility, this is downright unhealthy for our bodies, mind and spirit!
Here we are taking all kinds of vitamins and special herbs advertised on Facebook or You-Tube to make us “healthier,” “stronger,” or give us” more energy,” yet we arrive to the custody exchange with our handy load of revenge boulders in our designer purses or cargo pants! (Not just you, I’m right there with you – guilty as charged! I have harbored toxic thoughts at court about opposing counsel and his client, and yet that morning I took lots of “healthy” amino acid supplements! (Yeah, that worked… not.)
The emotional piece of divorce is HUGE. We have to remember how POWERFUL we BECOME when we “step up to the plate” and avoid playing the blame game. Best to stop telling ourselves we are victims without a way out. We asked the judge to make a ruling, but hate him the result. Forgive the judge – isn’t that the job we asked him to do? We, ourselves, placed the outcome in his control. Let’s take our control back and find paths to peace with others.
I want shed some hostility today. How about you? Let’s unload these rocks together, OK?