10 of the Best Communication Methods for You and Your Partner to Use While Building a Marriage or Ending One Amicably
Marriage is rewarding but tough. Open, effective, empathetic communication between partners is essential for a marriage to thrive.
It’s probably no surprise that communication is one of the topic issues cited by people who have divorced. Sometimes it’s a lack of communication and failure to talk about important issues. Sometimes it’s damaging communication patterns that hurt feelings and cause emotional wounds.
If poor communication habits lead to a divorce, it’s reasonable to predict the couple will bring those poor habits into the divorce process, resulting in more hurt and frustration, a longer and more expensive process, adjudicated outcomes that seem unfair, additional stress on the children, and emotional pain for everyone that can take a long time to recover from.
So, if you and your spouse are considering a divorce and you haven’t developed effective communication habits during the marriage, is there any hope of communicating better during the divorce process?
YES! Even if you don’t know how to communicate well with your partner, within the supportive environment of mediation or a collaborative divorce, you will have tools and experts to help you speak and listen effectively, moderate your emotions, and remain focused on the goal of reaching compromise, mutual understanding, and resolutions you both agree with.
If that sounds too good to be true, let me reassure you, IT IS POSSIBLE.
As a mediator, I am uniquely trained and skilled in helping couples have productive conversations. As a collaborative divorce attorney, I’m very experienced working with my clients and with a trained team of collaborative experts to facilitate communication and reach positive outcomes. (By the way, in a collaborative divorce process, each of you even can choose to have a dedicated “coach” to support you and guide you in communicating effectively. It’s an amazing aspect of collaborative divorce.)
When I start working with a couple in either of these "no-court" divorce processes, one of the first things I do is share with them a list of 10 keys to effective communication, and I’m sharing them with you here.
1. Remember that we have the chance to be “problem solvers” together.
It took two people to create your marriage and the problems in it. With mediation or collaborative divorce, you will have a bigger team to work cooperatively with both of you to address issues and come to satisfying resolutions you can both live with.
2. Sometimes it’s helpful to stop ourselves and ask, “Is this really the most effective way to resolve this issue or talk about it?”
It’s natural to bring unhealthy communication habits from your marriage into the divorce process, but the ways you spoke to each other back then obviously weren’t optimal. Be mindful about the fact that you both can probably speak to each other in more productive ways. Your mediator or collaborative coach will be helpful in making suggestions in the moment. Be patient and open-minded.
3. Using inflammatory language usually is not helpful to resolve conflict.
Whether you’re the target of inflammatory language or the one using it, the end result is the unnecessary escalation of negative emotions, hurt feelings, and less opportunity to find common ground.
4. Speak for yourself using “I” statements, and let your partner share his/her own feelings or needs.
When you focus on expressing your own feelings, thoughts, and perceptions without being accusatory, your partner will be less defensive, and this will help keep the lines of communication open.
5. This process is completely voluntary.
When you both realize you’re engaged in the process because you want to be and not because someone is forcing you to be, it’s easier to remain present. While you might at times feel an impulse to retreat, shut down, or attack, remember why you’re here and what you can accomplish together.
6. It’s okay to be creative and ask for help from others who might have more information or insight on a particular issue.
We all want to be right, but is being right more important than being happy? Of course not. When you’re not sure how to proceed, or you need more ideas about how to resolve an issue, ask for help. You’re not on your own.
7. It’s okay to disagree. It may feel tense that you cannot agree right now, but try to tolerate that for a little while to give time to look for other solutions.
Sometimes it’s difficult to create a plan or find a compromise about a certain issue right away. You might have to explore several different options before you find the one that is really and truly best. Resist the urge to dig in your heels and defend your position. And don’t run from issue either. Be patient and remain engaged--resolution will come.
8. Consider conflict an opportunity and listen for the other person’s expressed feelings, interests, and goals.
When you’re not seeing eye to eye, try not to argue. Acknowledge that you’re being confronted with ideas with which you may not agree, but they may just be ideas that you don’t understand. If you can listen with empathy and a desire to find common ground, you may find that your partner has something worth sharing that will help you both reach a solution.
9. Have faith that a mutually acceptable resolution is possible.
In the heat of the moment or while discussing a particularly contentious topic, it may feel as if it will be impossible for the two of you to reach a compromise. But I have worked with countless couples through mediation and collaborative practice, and I assure you that if you stay committed to the process and to working together, you will find solutions and create plans that both of you will be satisfied with. Trust the process.
10. We are all responsible for helping each other to use the best communication methods.
It’s easy to criticize others and feel justified about our own familiar ways of expressing ourselves. But the best thing to do is focus on what you can control—yourself. You get to decide what to say and how to say it. You get to decide how to respond to what you hear. You’ll have support during mediation or a collaborative divorce in using the best communication methods, and doing so will make it easier for your soon-to-be ex-spouse to do the same.
The Bottom Line
If your marriage is salvageable, perhaps you will find these helpful in fostering more positive communication patterns with your spouse now as you continue to build a healthy relationship. If you’re already planning to divorce, perhaps you will both find it useful to start practicing some of these best communication methods now as you prepare to enter the difficult conversations and negotiations that are part of dissolving a marriage and moving on with your lives. If you have children, these methods will be invaluable as you co-parent into the future.
If you’d like to know more about mediation and collaborative practice, please set up a confidential consultation so we can talk about your situation and your options. I’m ready to help.
Explore your no-court divorce options and the prenuptial process in Santa Rosa and Sonoma County and schedule a confidential consultation with divorce lawyer Jeanne Browne. With more than 30 years of experience helping couples divorce without court through mediation and collaborative practice, she will give you compassionate legal advice on your issues related to family law, divorce, and prenuptial/postnuptial agreements. Click here to schedule a meeting.
Please Note: Articles posted on this website are for general information purposes only and are not to be considered legal advice. Every situation is unique and we recommend you reach out for a private conversation about your specific circumstances and concerns by booking a consultation.
How Do California Divorce Courts Deal with Restricted Stock Units?
During a divorce, either you and your spouse will have to divide your assets or you will have to let a court decide how to divide them. The process can be confusing and seem complicated. Unless you have a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement that clearly specifies who gets what in a divorce, you’ll have to let a judge decide.
You and your spouse may disagree about who is entitled to what, and you may disagree about whether certain property is community property or separate property. It’s not always as straightforward as you might think, and these distinctions are important because anything deemed community property gets divided between the parties (not necessarily 50/50 though).
Understanding Community Property vs. Separate Property
In California, which is a community property state, the general rule is that any and all assets and property earned or acquired by either spouse during the marriage is considered equally owned by both spouses and is, therefore, community property.
The other type of property is separate property, which refers to property acquired by one spouse either before the marriage or outside the marriage (for example, an inheritance or gift given specifically to one person might be considered separate property). It also includes property earned or acquired after final separation.
Stock Options and Restricted Stock Units – Who Gets Them?
One type of asset that can be confusing and that couples often and understandably disagree about is stock options. The reason I say potential confusion and conflict is understandable is because as of this writing, California does not have one standard formula for determining division of a specific type of stock option called restricted stock units or RSUs.
Stock options give employees or other parties (such as consultants, contractors, and investors) the opportunity to purchase stock in a company at a point in the future at a pre-determined price. Stock options are a form of compensation, but divorce courts don’t necessarily treat them the same way they do regular income, salary, or bonuses.
Restricted stock units (RSUs) are a specific kind of compensation where the employee does not purchase stock but instead is granted stock that vests (has value) later and after certain conditions are met, for example, after the person works a certain number of years. Sometimes RSUs are given to an employee as a way of motivating or incentivizing them to perform. Sometimes they’re given in lieu of a higher salary upfront if, say, the company is growing and wants to get top talent at a bargain price.
Where the confusion often lies during a divorce is when one party is granted RSUs during the marriage but the RSUs don’t vest until after separation. In this case, the party who is the employee often feels entitled to 100% of the value of the RSUs—after all, it is only because they worked and met the requirements that the RSUs vested and have any value at all. However, the other party may feel entitled to part of the value in the same way they feel entitled to other earnings during the marriage—the RSUs were granted during the marriage, so aren’t they community property even if they vested after separation, or won’t vest until further down the road?
If only it were as simple as one or the other! But the courts use their discretion in dividing RSUs just as they do with other disputed property--which is why you’re wise to have a prenuptial agreement when you marry and continue to update it when there are significant financial changes throughout your marriage (this is called a postnuptial agreement).
Two Ways California Courts Might Look at Dividing RSUs
There are two California Appellate Cases that judges typically refer to for guidance in deciding how to divide RSUs in a divorce: Hug and Nelson.
Under the Hug Rule, RSUs are thought of as deferred compensation, so the value is calculated with a formula that is based on the employee’s start date with the company.
Under the Nelson Rule, RSUs are thought of as future incentive for performance, so the value is calculated with a formula based on the date the RSUs were granted to the employee (which could be on or near the start date but could also be at a much later time).
Without getting into the nitty-gritty of the formulas, the point is that there is no ONE hard and fast rule that all courts use consistently in dividing the value of RSUs between divorcing parties.
This is where a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement can save everyone a lot of time, expense, and aggravation.
Also, be aware that there is other relevant case law, and laws do change, so in a mediation or collaborative divorce we hire neutral financial experts to analyze these assets and give us a formal report on the best method of division.
You Don’t Have to Let the Courts Decide
If you don’t have a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement and you’re facing a divorce where there are potentially tricky aspects (like RSUs) that you don’t want a judge to decide, and if you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse can work civilly and cooperatively toward a compromise, I recommend you look into a mediated divorce or a collaborative divorce. With these out-of-court divorce options, the two of you will work with either a mediator or with a collaborative team to make decisions that both of you can live with.
I find that with everything from complicated issues like RSUs to emotionally charged issues like child custody, couples who use mediation or a collaborative process are far happier with the outcomes. These processes keep the control within the couple and out of the hands of a judge who doesn’t know you and your history. You’re also likely to finalize your agreement more quickly and with less expense than when you go into the process as adversaries fighting for the lion’s share of property.
Explore your no-court divorce options and the prenuptial process in Santa Rosa and Sonoma County and schedule a confidential consultation with divorce lawyer Jeanne Browne. With more than 30 years of experience helping couples divorce without court through mediation and collaborative practice, she will give you compassionate legal advice on your issues related to family law, divorce, and prenuptial/postnuptial agreements. Click here to schedule a meeting.
Please Note: Articles posted on this website are for general information purposes only and are not to be considered legal advice. Every situation is unique and we recommend you reach out for a private conversation about your specific circumstances and concerns by booking a consultation.
6 Reasons Getting Married (Again) Might Be a Truly Great Idea
After a marriage ends, we might experience many difficult emotions. And why wouldn’t we? After all, no one gets married expecting to get divorced. We’re not just hoping for a lifetime of love—we expect it and we’re excited about it!
So when things take an unfortunate turn and we get divorced, we might feel everything from disappointment and anger to sadness and despair. Often we tell ourselves, “I’ll never put myself through this again.” We might find it hard to believe that we could love and trust someone else enough to ever get remarried. It’s not surprising that after our happily-ever-after hopes have been shattered, the idea of going through it again can be daunting, painful, or scary. I understand all those feelings and the hesitation to open up your heart again to love and potential loss.
But let me offer you another way to look at it. Without risk, there is no reward. And while I don’t want you to rush and jump back into dating before you’re ready, I DO want you to keep your heart and mind open to the possibility of loving and marrying again.
Why open yourself up to another marriage? Because there are countless ways a happy marriage can bring joy into your life. Consider these six very real benefits of being married (even the second time around!).
1. You have someone in your life who really knows you, likes you, and loves you—in spite of your faults.
There’s nothing quite like having “your person” be someone who chooses you (even if you’re lucky enough to have loving and supportive parents, siblings, or children). It’s a true gift to have a spouse who appreciates all that is wonderful about you and also accepts all that isn’t so great about you. If you’ve experienced the joy of truly knowing someone and being fully known by them, you know it’s a feeling worth having again—even if you have to risk your heart to get it.
2. You might live a longer and healthier life.
When we were kids, we used the “buddy system” because it’s safer to travel in pairs than to go it alone. Studies show married people have better survival rates after events like heart attacks and strokes than single individuals. Plus, you’re safer living with a companion versus living alone, especially if you are a woman, you’re getting up there in years, or you have mobility issues. From picking up cough syrup for you at the drug store to supporting you though a serious illness, your spouse provides an additional layer of stability and security to your life.
3. You have a true teammate and cheerleader.
Working alongside someone you love to create a life you enjoy together is uniquely fulfilling. Sure, when you live with someone, you have to make compromises, but you also get to cooperate and collaborate and do things together—renovate a house, plant a garden, learn new skills and hobbies, take vacations, raise kids or pets. You could do these things alone, but it’s more fun to do them with your favorite person! Looking ahead to the future and working as a team to get there is satisfying in a totally different way than going solo.
4. You get to take the fast track to personal growth and refinement.
One of my favorite analogies about being married compares the two individuals to rocks with jagged edges and rough spots. Left alone, each rock keeps its shape with all its flaws. But in marriage, the two rocks are thrown against each other—sometimes in conflict and ultimately in compromise--constantly knocking jagged edges off one another until both are smooth. We become the best version of ourselves when we are engaged in self-improvement, and a successful marriage allows us to do so in a uniquely effective way.
5. You enjoy financial advantages that can be game changers for both of you.
Have you heard the expression Two can live as cheaply as one? While that may not be exactly true in the literal sense, there absolutely are significant ways to save when you’re married. Splitting the rent, buying food in bulk, getting a break on your shared insurance policies, and enjoying tax breaks are all possible monetary benefits to being married. Don't forget to look into other potential financial perks for married people too like social security, IRAs, and mortgages.
6. You get a chance to love and be loved and heal the hurt of your previous marriage.
It’s important to do your own personal work for healing and self-discovery after a divorce to address how you may have contributed to problems in the marriage. But once you’ve done that, there’s no reason to resign yourself to a life of loneliness! Bring your newfound self-awareness and improved interpersonal skills to a new relationship to bless the life of a new person and allow that person to bless yours. You can’t get a “do over” on your failed marriage, but you CAN get a fresh start and do things better the second time around.
The Bottom Line – Don’t Give Up on the Idea of Marriage
If you’ve been in love before, you know there’s nothing else like it. Way after the infatuation wears off, you’ve got a partner in every sense of the word—you have “your person.” In a good marriage, you love each other, strive to make each other happy, and do things together. You have fun together, and you get through hard times together. You make plans together, solve problems together, laugh and cry together. You put each other first and you decide every day to stay committed. There’s no other relationship that is fulfilling in quite the same way as a marriage relationship. You are one another’s number one cheerleaders, and you are a family, even if it’s only the two of you.
Start Things Off on the Right Foot with a Prenuptial Agreement
I’ve seen some individuals and couples who are afraid to get married a second time because of the fear of losing assets and money in (another) divorce. If you have this fear, let me remind you that a prenuptial agreement prepared by an experienced and compassionate family law attorney will help alleviate those fears. The conversations you’ll have with your future spouse as part of the process will facilitate communication about important issues before you get married. And with your prenuptial agreement in place, you’ll both have confidence that both of you have the financial safety and security you need.
Explore your prenuptial agreement and divorce options in Santa Rosa and Sonoma County and schedule a confidential consultation with divorce attorney Jeanne Browne. With more than 30 years of experience helping couples divorce without court through mediation and collaborative practice, she will give you compassionate legal advice on your issues related to family law, divorce, and prenuptial/postnuptial agreements. Click here to schedule a meeting.
Please note that articles posted on this website are for general information purposes only and are not to be considered legal advice. Every situation is unique and we recommend you reach out for a private conversation about your specific circumstances and concerns by booking a consultation.
How to Determine If You’re Receiving the Right Amount of Child Support
Do you have questions about how much child support you are receiving? It’s not unusual for life or financial circumstances to change for you and your ex-spouse, even as soon as a year after a divorce has been finalized. Perhaps you found out that your ex got a new job or promotion, or got a raise or a large bonus. Now you’re wondering if you should ask for more child support.
If your spouse’s income has changed, don’t jump to conclusions about receiving increased child support. Before you hurry off to see a judge and ask for a modification of support, there are several factors to be considered. Here are a few things to think about.
Don’t Make Assumptions About Receiving an Increase in Support
Calculations for child support are complex and it’s not easy to tell at a glance what will make the support amount go up or down. An increase in the support provider’s salary isn’t an automatic trigger for increased support. If the salary increase is accompanied by higher health insurance premiums, for example, or higher union dues or mandatory retirement contributions, an increase in support may not be justified.
Has Your Income Changed?
If your income has increased as well, that will be a factor. Changes in your financial situation that aren’t immediately obvious as relevant to your support amount may also have an effect. If, for instance, you purchased a home since the divorce, the “write offs” you have because of property tax and interest deductions might result in your having less taxable income, and that might reduce your support amount. The way tax implications affect support guidelines are not always clear on the surface.
The Online Child Support Calculator Might Help, But It Might Not
If you’re hoping to get an immediate idea of how much more you might be able to get in child support, you might try using the online child support calculator on the Department of Child Support Services website. However, using that program can be tricky and if you’re not extremely familiar with how it works, you’ll find there is some margin for error. For example, if your ex has a Married Filing Jointly tax status and you add a new spouse income to the other party, that could actually decrease your support amount! You really have to know what you’re doing to get reliable results.
To get an accurate determination about a potential support increase, the best thing to do is ask your family law attorney to run the numbers on the child support calculator.
Changes to the Timeshare Might Impact the Support Amount
Changes to the timeshare (the time the children spend with the other parent) can affect the support amount. For example, let’s say your child is now spending more overnights with the paying partner since the divorce. If you revisit the child support amount, you may find the amount is decreased instead of increased.
If this is true in your situation, you may think that because the other parent is alienating the child from you or the child is asking to spend more time with them, it’s not your fault that the timeshare has changed. When clients share things like this with me, I’m sympathetic, but the court is not. The judge need only consider the statutory authority and the controlling case law. It’s important to keep this in mind if you decide to petition the court for a change in support.
If Your Partner Is Making Some Voluntary Contributions, Going Back to Court Could be Risky
If the paying parent is picking up the tab for things without being court ordered to do so, you may want to consider whether it’s worth going back to court to ask for more child support. Perhaps they’re paying for things that enrich your children’s lives like extracurricular activities, sports, dance classes, piano lessons, or camps, or buying essentials like clothing or food for your household even though they’re not legally required to do so. If a change in support would make it difficult for you to provide activities like this that your children enjoy, it might not be worth the risk of returning to court.
What to Do If Your Children Feel Caught in the Middle
If you do decide to go back to court and request an increase in child support, your kids may feel caught in the middle and ask you questions like, “Why are you taking dad/mom back to court for more money?” If you get backlash like this, it’s tempting to try to defend your position, but it’s better to keep children out of adult issues as much as possible. Try saying something like, “That’s between your dad/mom and me. We will work it out so you don’t have to worry about it.” Understand that kids feel stressed out when there’s conflict between their parents, so do your best to respond to them with compassion, and don’t trouble them with grown-up troubles.
Addressing Child Support Changes Without Going to Court
No one enjoys going to court. If you can find a way to approach the topic with your partner in a comfortable setting (perhaps over lunch or a cup of coffee), you may decide that you can look at the numbers together. You might be able to come to an agreement that doesn’t involve court, and perhaps doesn’t even involve changing the support amount. For example, perhaps they would be open to paying for something else that is financially difficult for you to manage—costs for things like yearbooks and graduation expenses can add up quickly!
If You Can’t Work It Out Privately, You Can Still Reach an Agreement Without Going to Court
Of course, it may not be a viable option for the two of you to meet together, and if that’s the case, engaging the services of a collaborative attorney or mediator is a great idea. These professionals are trained to help couples reach resolution on difficult issues without involving the courts or turning decision-making over to a judge.
While working with a collaborative attorney or mediator, the two of you should be able to have a productive conversation about the change of circumstances and decide whether there’s a need to modify the support amount. You might decide to voluntarily exchange your pay stubs so no one has to request this information formally through the court (this is called Request for Completed Income and Expense Declaration, form FL-396).
The Bottom Line
Asking the court to revisit a child support order comes with risks. If you can work things out with your partner on your own, that’s often better than asking a judge to make decisions for you. But working with a collaborative attorney or mediator is usually the best route as we are trained to help you communicate effectively and brainstorm ideas for resolving complicated and emotional issues like those around finances and the support of your children.
Contact us today to schedule a consultation about getting the support of a collaborative attorney or mediator as you address your child support needs and concerns.
Depression and Divorce - One is Hard Enough without the Other
In our fast-paced, stress-filled world it seems more and more people are dealing with depression. If you or your partner struggles with depression, you know how it can take its toll on a marriage. If you’re contemplating separation or divorce, are in the midst of the process, or even if you’ve come out the other side of it already, you may be working through situational depression as part of the grieving process.
Often when I first meet with a client for the first time, I notice signs of situational depression, whether or not they are the one who is seeking to file the Petition and start the process. While I am not a therapist but a lawyer, I am informed by the mental health professionals I work with in my collaborative practice group that situational depression is not the same as depressive disorder (sometimes called clinical depression, or simply depression). Understanding the difference is important—whether the depressed person is you, your spouse, or a child.
Understanding Depression
Depression is more than feeling sad. Depressive disorder—also referred to as chronic depression or clinical depression—is a serious mental health condition that requires understanding and often professional medical care. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), in the year 2020 alone, 21 million U.S. adults had at least one major depressive episode. That’s 8.4% of the population. If you or your partner are dealing with depression, you are most certainly not alone.
Depression is different for every person, but typically several symptoms like these will last for at least two weeks (though some episodes last months or years):
- Changes in sleep or appetite
- Difficulty with focus or concentration
- Fatigue or loss of energy
- Lack of interest in things that usually give you pleasure
- Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, or despair
- Thoughts of suicide
If you or your partner or any member of your family struggle with symptoms like these over a period of time, it may be advisable to seek professional support. Most people who experience one serious depressive episode will experience depression again in their lifetime, so knowing how to handle it when it occurs is important for the depressed individual and for those who care about them.
Dealing with Depression During Divorce
If you’re going through a separation or divorce, you are likely to experience a range of tough emotions, including sadness, anger, distrust, frustration, confusion, and many other emotions as part of the grieving process. You may even feel them so deeply and for such an uncomfortably long period of time that you would characterize it as depression. Situational depression is depression that is connected to a specific circumstance, like loss of a job, a pet, a loved one, or a marriage. The good news is that situational depression from divorce is usually temporary, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time.
If you’re getting divorced and feeling depressed, there is no shame in reaching out for help. Consulting with your doctor, nurse practitioner, and a nutritional professional seem like a very good first step.
Tips for Dealing with Depression During the Divorce Process
Depression can definitely make navigating the divorce process more difficult. Some suggestions you might find useful in managing your depression include:
- Ask for help and accept help when offered to you.
- Eat healthy foods and exercise regularly, even if it is just a short walk around the block every day.
- Find solutions for healthy sleep patterns. (Some depressed individuals find they sleep too much.)
- Continue to socialize and do things you enjoy. (Be willing to ask a friend to help you get to events and gatherings.)
- Write in a journal. (Many find it helpful to start a “Gratitude Journal” listing at least 10 things per day they are grateful for and reading them over and over each week.)
- Find a place in nature to breathe in more fresh air.
- Consider Pilates or yoga classes, even if you have to do it online–ask a friend to join you.
- Give yourself permission to grieve.
Important: Don’t let your depression panic you. If you’ve dealt with depression in the past, monitor your feelings carefully and get professional help if you need it, but don’t assume you’re in an inevitable downward spiral–or you may create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
No-Court Divorce Options Make Managing Depression Easier
I recently read an article that had mostly helpful tips for how to manage depression during a divorce. But I was shocked when I saw the last tip on the list: Don’t dwell on what you can’t control. While that IS good advice, it was bolstered by the claim that ultimately the judge will decide the outcome and determine who gets what and what is fair. I was so disappointed to read this! Fair in whose eyes? Fair only according to the judge who MUST apply the law. In case you haven’t heard this before, just like life, the law isn’t fair.
The truth is there are ways to get divorced without turning over all the control to a judge who doesn’t know you, your spouse, or your children—processes are available where you and your partner negotiate and compromise and make decisions together.
One option is mediation where you work with a mediator who guides you and your spouse through the process of creating outcomes that are best for the both of you and for the future of your family. When I help couples through mediation, I see much more satisfaction from both parties as they brainstorm multiple solutions to issues and come to conclusions together. This is especially important when it comes to making decisions that affect children. For example, more than one couple I have worked with decided to use a “bird nesting” option where their kids (the baby birds) stayed in the family home (nest) and one parent at a time “flew in and out of the nest” on a every other week basis, staying with friends or family for the time the other parent was in the home.
Not everyone can make this work, but a few can. These parents sacrificed for the benefit of their children—they were willing to disrupt their own live so their children’s lives wouldn’t have to be disrupted on an every other week basis.
A second option is a collaborative divorce. With this process, an entire team works together to find the best resolutions for both parties and the entire family. Each party has an attorney and a divorce coach. The team also includes a neutral financial consultant, and a child specialist if needed. I love working with couples through a collaborative process—the children have a voice, and you and your spouse have ample opportunity in a supportive environment to creating positive outcomes. A judge is not in control—you and your partner are.
Both mediation and collaborative practice provide support in a way that just isn’t possible with a traditional courtroom divorce. If you or your spouse are suffering from depression during this difficult time, a supportive divorce process will make things easier for both of you and may even provide an opportunity for processing difficult feelings with your own independent divorce coach, to help you reach resolution of various issues.
When a Loved One Has Depression
Some people think of depression as something that only affects adults. But divorce can be very difficult for your children of any age, so if you notice signs of depression in them, address it early. Again, NAMI is a great resource for how to support someone with depression—whether it’s your children, your spouse, or anyone else you love. Here are five useful tips from their website:
- Learn what you can about depression and remember it’s an illness, not a weakness.
- Know the symptoms so you can recognize and address them early.
- Communicate with kindness rather than blame.
- Remain calm and rational—try very hard not to react to their feelings with panic.
- Seek support for yourself as well as for your depressed loved one.
In the collaborative divorce option, your child can have his/her own Child Specialist as part of the team to bring the child’s needs into focus for the parents.
Whether it’s you or someone you care about who is dealing with depression, there is help available and it’s not a sign of weakness to get it when you need it. In fact, it is a sign of courage.
If you, a family member, or even a friend would like to discuss no-court options for divorce or separation such as mediation or collaborative practice, I would enjoy the opportunity to meet.
When I connect with clients a year or so after their divorce is final, I am gratified to hear them consistently report vast emotional improvement from years prior, often thriving after their very difficult season of life. That is the part of my work that makes me smile. Hold on to hope for your brighter future.
Why You Must Read Your Prenuptial/Postnuptial Agreement Carefully—No Matter How Much You Trust Your Attorney
Do you read every contract before you sign it? The whole thing? If you don’t, you’re not alone. It’s a pretty well-known fact that most people sign contracts without reading them carefully—or reading them at all. And this applies to ALL types of contracts, believe it or not!
The website ProPrivacy.com conducted an experiment to see how carefully people read online contracts. As part of the experiment, they asked survey respondents to go through an online transaction and then asked them if they had read the terms of service. An astounding 70% of people said they read the agreement, with 33% saying they “read it thoroughly.”
But they knew that reading everything was probably the most boring thing ever, and that technical language was just too much! Besides, you must accept the terms for that new app—because if you don’t “accept,” then no app!
In a somewhat unusual survey, it turns out 99% of the people agreed to the terms of service which included giving up the right to name their firstborn child, granting access to the airspace above their property for drone traffic, and allowing their mother to have full access to their internet browsing history! Now that’s funny, don’t you think? Unless, of course, you don’t care if your mom sees your personal information.
Even if your comprehension skills are impressive, reading through a contract and all of its legal jargon can be daunting. Perhaps this is why some people prefer to pass along the responsibility of contract review to their attorneys.
Is that a smart decision? Many of us were told by wise parents at a young age never to sign anything without reading every single word first. That’s still good advice. Even if your attorney prepares or reviews an agreement, it’s YOUR name at the bottom because YOU are the one on the hook for everything in that contract.
When it comes to reviewing prenuptial and postnuptial agreements, we can learn quite a lesson from the McCourts. Who are they, you might ask? Well, here’s a brief summary regarding a prenuptial agreement that contained terms regarding ownership of the LA Dodgers.
The LA Dodgers Divorce
You may remember a story in the news a few years back about the divorce between the owner (or owners?) of the Los Angeles Dodgers. Believe it or not, the question of ownership was hotly contested—because of their postnuptial agreement! Here’s what happened (and why you should care).
Frank and Jamie McCourt were married in 1979 after meeting in college. They both created successful careers for themselves—Frank in real estate and Jamie in law.
In 2004, Frank made a big purchase: $421 million for the Los Angeles Dodgers, the stadium, and the surrounding acreage in Chavez Ravine. Around this same time, the couple had been working with Frank’s attorney on estate planning and had been discussing the possibility of creating a postnuptial agreement. They had different motivations--Jamie had expressed concern about protecting their personal assets from business creditors while Frank was particularly concerned about protecting his interest in his newly acquired team and land.
The couple asked their attorney to draw up a postnuptial agreement (or MPA – Marital Property Agreement). On March 31, 2004, the attorney presented six copies of the agreement, all of which Jamie signed. Frank signed only three copies that day, and then signed three copies two weeks later on April 14. (This is NEVER good practice to do, by the way--both parties should sign together.)
Just five years later and after 30 years of marriage, Jamie filed for divorce in California. A trial was held to determine whether the postnuptial agreement would be enforced. The verdict: the agreement was unenforceable!
Frank and Jamie both admitted in court that they hadn’t read the agreement carefully before signing, and both trusted the attorney had created the document according to their wishes.
But it turns out the attorney had done something not just shady--but illegal—by making changes to the agreement after Jamie had already signed. The three copies Frank signed on April 14 were different from the original six copies Jamie had signed two weeks earlier. When Jamie signed, the agreement listed Frank’s separate property but did not include the Dodgers and the associated land on the list, but the last three copies signed by Frank included the team and land in the list of his separate property. If Jamie had signed that version of the agreement, she would have been agreeing to give up her stake in those assets and making Frank the sole owner—something she claimed she never would have done.
In order for any contract--including a postnuptial agreement--to be enforceable, it must demonstrate that there has been a “meeting of the minds,” meaning both sides have the same understanding of what the agreement stipulates. The court determined in this case that there could not possibly have been a meeting of the minds when there were two different versions of the agreement.
The McCourt divorce illustrates the importance of ensuring you’re working with a trustworthy lawyer (actually California requires two attorneys so that each person has independent representation) when putting together a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement, as well as emphasizes the wisdom of the advice to read everything before you sign.
Incidentally, in case you’re wondering how things shook out for the McCourts, here’s how it ended. One year after the 2010 trial, the couple reached a settlement where Jamie agreed to take $131 million plus about $50 million in property. It probably seemed like a good deal to her at the time, as the Dodgers were in bankruptcy, and holding out for the value of the team to appreciate down the line would have been a gamble.
The gamble would have paid off though. When Frank sold the Dodgers for $2.15 billion a few years later, Jamie must have tasted sour grapes because she attempted to have the settlement overturned. By then, however, it was too late. Her claims that Frank had misled her about the value of the team and the property were dismissed by the judge—who also ordered Jamie to pay $1.9 million in legal fees.
There’s another lesson here too, then—a signed agreement is a signed agreement and courts don’t take kindly to what they perceive to be frivolous legal action. Jamie took the sure payout rather than gamble on the valuation of the team, and she lost that bet. But as they say, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. . .and if you get one bird, don’t ask a judge to give you two birds later!
The Bottom Line
A prenuptial or postnuptial agreement can save both parties unnecessary time, money, and stress, but care must be taken to review documents carefully. It is advisable for both parties to have their own attorneys if you want the agreement to actually have a chance of being enforceable by the court, and it is certainly recommended that both the attorneys and the parties review the agreements carefully prior to signing them. I mean, really, why spend all that time and money getting a premarital agreement if the court is going to just toss it in the trash?
It is also worth noting that the existence of an agreement doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll avoid the courtroom if you get divorced. It should make the process much smoother and easier though, and for the few remaining issues that may need to be ironed out, you can work those out in mediation or through a collaborative divorce process.
High profile divorces provide interesting and poignant illustrations of what can go wrong with a sloppily prepared prenuptial or postnuptial agreement, as well as if you have an unscrupulous attorney, but you don’t have to be rich or famous to learn from their mistakes. Let this story be a useful cautionary tale.
If you would like to explore the possibility of creating a valid prenuptial or postnuptial agreement with an experienced, conscientious, and careful attorney, plan to schedule a consultation at least three months before your intended wedding date. Then put that original document in a safe place and take really good care of your relationship so you never have to look at it again.
If you have questions, please give my office a call anytime to schedule an initial consultation.
Chris Rock, Will Smith, the Oscars, and Lessons for Your Marriage
I’m not one to pay attention to celebrity news, but this March it was impossible for all of us to avoid hearing about the Oscars and “the slap heard round the world.” While the incessant gossip around the event certainly wasn’t productive, it did bring a few topics into the spotlight that I think are worth brief attention. We can always learn from the experiences of others, and I believe there are some lessons to learn from the people involved in this high-profile incident.
In Case You Missed It
In the unlikely event you didn’t hear about it, here’s what happened. . .
After Oscar emcee Chris Rock cracked a joke at the expense of Will Smith’s wife Jada, Will stormed onto the stage and smacked Chris right across the face. Chris tried to brush it off as Will walked back to his seat, but Will was clearly angry and continued to yell out while seated. To say it was shocking and awkward would be an understatement. You can read elsewhere for more details, I just wanted to comment on a couple of issues such as how trauma effects our relationships with each other, and how premarital agreement terms come up in celebrity divorces.
What We Can Learn From Chris Rock—It's Probably Not What You Think
After that night, a lot of conversation focused on how well Chris took the hit—physically and emotionally. Clearly he was stunned, but he didn’t retaliate with his hands or with jokes (the latter of which would likely have been far more devastating to Will, as Chris is a skilled comedian, after all).
Upon being struck, subtle body language cues (a step back, a clenched fist) indicated his instincts kicked in immediately as he prepared in case the confrontation escalated. Simultaneously, however, he maintained his composure and continued to handle himself with an impressive level of professionalism and grace.
Many people commented that Chris reacted like a guy who has taken hits in the past. Turns out, Chris shared in multiple interviews that while growing up he was the victim of a lot of bullying, partly because he was small and partly because he was black. In one interview with Dana Carvey and David Spade, Chris told a story about a particularly humiliating experience he suffered at the hands of a bully at a party and how he retaliated by beating him severely. (This comment made me consider our culturally diverse society and how we treat others of another race, religion, or socio-economic status. Perhaps we all could benefit from training in diversity, equity and inclusion, and learning to avoid using unhealthy forms of anger.)
Does Your Anger Scare You?
Chris said he realized years later in therapy that from that moment forward, he was afraid to express his anger at all. As a result of being “scared of [his] anger,” he “let the whole world walk over” him—including friends, family, and romantic partners. He talked about his low self-esteem on a podcast with Howard Stern. While he felt confident about himself professionally, in the personal realm he said, “I just feel not worthy of anyone’s attention, anyone’s love, any accolades, just anything.”
This made me sad because I think it’s heartbreaking to hear a person express this kind of pain. It’s unfortunately predictable that unresolved hurt of this magnitude would manifest itself in unhealthy ways in a marriage. After all, we bring all of ourselves—good and bad—into a relationship. Chris admitted to struggling with an addiction to porn and being unfaithful in his marriage. In his 2018 standup special, he talked about his shortcomings as a husband. “I didn’t listen. I wasn’t kind. I had an attitude. I thought, ‘I pay for everything, I can do what I want.’” (Maybe not the easiest type of person to be married to.)
Perhaps, then, Chris wasn’t surprised when his wife filed for divorce after 18 years of marriage. Later, he seemed to show he had a clear understanding of his responsibility. He brought it on himself, he said, and “some of these lessons you’ve just got to learn...some man lessons.” In his special, he also gave a simple but profound piece of advice: “You don’t wanna get divorced. You got somebody you love? Hold tight, commit.” (Good advice, Chris.)
What can we learn from Chris Rock? We learn that our unresolved childhood traumas can have a profoundly destructive effect on our interaction with others, and on our marriages. Seeking the help of professionals, and actually following their seasoned advice, brings the healthiest version of ourselves to all of our relationships, and also gives us the best possible chance at a happy, lasting marriage.
The Rock Prenuptial Agreement – What’s a “Sunset” Clause?
By the way, when Chris’s wife, Malaak Compton-Rock filed for divorce, she did so just after the “expiration date” of their prenuptial agreement. If you didn’t know, some premarital agreements contain an expiration date (or sunset clause), now you do! It's not very common, but in some situations, it makes sense. If this is something you or your partner want to include in a prenuptial agreement, you’ll want to seek out good advice from an experienced and trusted family attorney who will work to protect your interests.
Ms. Compton-Rock waited to file for divorce until after the agreement had expired, giving her the highest possible payout from Chris’ net worth of $70 million. (What are your thoughts about that?)
When consulting with clients regarding terms in a prenuptial agreements and concerns around validity, sometimes it makes sense to wait for a sunset clause to arrive rather than pay enormous amounts of attorney fees to fight over whether it was valid in the first place. But waiting could involve enduring an abusive relationship for an extended period of time. Tough choices for sure.
Lesson: If you have a prenuptial agreement, it’s a good idea to review it every so often. If major changes take place for either of you financially, update the agreement. While you’re married, it can be changed and amended if both parties agree (called a Post-Nuptial Agreement). If your agreement has a sunset provision, make sure you keep an eye on your marriage and on the expiration date, and make changes as needed—to both!
Lessons from Will and Jada Smith
If we’re going to talk about the incident at the Oscars and lessons to learn about marriage, we may want to address the marriage between Will and Jada. They’ve spoken openly about their struggles with infidelity and an arrangement that can be politely described as unconventional. It’s not my place to diagnose the relationship or judge either of them, so in an attempt to avoid doing that, let me say that I have a great deal of compassion for the Smiths. What happens inside a marriage should stay in the marriage as much as possible.
For support and advice, consider working with a trusted professional counselor to protect your privacy and the privacy of others. Do your best to resist the urge to share intimate details with friends and family. It’s hard for people who love you not to take sides and perhaps hold on to anger and resentment. For instance, if you have children, you know the other parent will be part of your children’s lives forever, so forgiveness works wonders for those ready to move forward. Unfortunately, other family members may not be ready to forgive yet, thus putting a strain on future family-focused events like graduations and weddings, etc.
In summary, our lessons learned:
- Best to hold your composure when confronted with an assault.
- Learn to hold your marriage as priority and keep your private life as private as possible.
- Prenuptial Agreements are protected confidential documents. They are only exposed to public view when couples cannot reach an agreement out of court regarding how to enforce them.
- It is best to use Collaborative Attorneys to prepare prenuptial or post-nuptial agreements or enforce them. Cooperation and sound legal counsel keep you out from under the public microscope.
My wish for you is that you enjoy a fulfilling and happy marriage. I believe creating a prenuptial agreement can be a valuable tool in giving both you and your partner a solid start and peace of mind. Read more about prenuptial agreements here, and contact us if you would like to explore your options in a confidential consultation.
Managing Your Fear During the Divorce Process
The end of a marriage is an incredibly difficult time for everyone involved and it can bring up many hard emotions—sadness, grief, stress, depression, anxiety, anger, hurt, and fear. These feelings can be present whether you initiated the divorce, or you feel like you’re one being rejected and left behind. Even if the divorce is mutual and amicable, both parties will likely deal with stress, sadness, and fear. Change is coming and change means facing the unknown. Fear is a natural emotion during such a time.
What might you or your spouse be fearful about? Loss. Both of you might have some very real fears about losing your
- Family home and all the memories you made there
- Stability and familiarity of routines for yourself and your kids
- Financial reliability of your spouse’s income or your combined incomes
- Money that will have to be used to pay attorneys (or will be awarded to your spouse as support)
- Mutual friends and your shared social circle
- Relationships with your spouse’s family
- Your partner and best friend
- Dreams and visions you held for a shared future
There will be loss, to be sure. But does there need to be so much fear? I don’t think so. Perhaps you’ve heard that FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. Over the years, I’ve seen fear become a destructive and driving factor throughout divorce proceedings. When we are afraid, we panic and we operate from a position of scarcity. Our imagination and worry run wild. And then everything we experience is interpreted as another real reason to be afraid—even when it isn’t real at all.
Drowning in Fear?
Imagine you are staying at a hotel and you decide to walk out to the pool area. No one is outside, but you hear splashing in the water. As you approach, you see a woman struggling and gasping for air. Her arms are flailing wildly over her head but she can’t keep her face above the water. Each time her mouth comes to the surface, she gulps in a big breath of air, but it’s obvious she can’t swim.
You notice she’s in the shallow end of the pool. She could straighten her legs and stand up. But she doesn’t. She’s thrashing and she’s panicking. But why? Fear has taken over!
Your first thought might be to jump in the water and save her. While your impulse would be righteous, the action would be ill-advised. Why? Because drowning people often drown their would-be saviors! If you got within arm’s reach of her, she would almost certainly grab onto you for dear life and push you down as a way to get up above the surface. Her fear of death would be so overpowering that she wouldn’t even notice that was hurting you as she tried to save herself.
That’s why the better advice is to throw a life preserver or floatation device to the person or hold an object out to them so they can grab on while you stay at a safe distance. It’s not selfish of you—it keeps you both alive.
Life Doesn’t End When a Marriage Ends
When a marriage is ending, some people feel as if life is ending! It’s so scary that they panic—and they take others down with them. They don’t think rationally. They don’t plan. They don’t compromise. They don’t communicate clearly. They don’t consider the needs and feelings of their partner. Instead, they focus on their own loss and they try desperately to get as much as they can because they’re overwhelmed with fear about what they’re losing.
I have seen so many divorcing couples allow fear to take over and completely derail any hope of mutual agreement and compromise. In a traditional courtroom divorce, the couple turns over so much control to the attorneys and the judge, which often makes them feel even MORE out of control and therefore even MORE fearful. It’s a terrible downward spiral.
In contrast, when couples use the collaborative divorce process or mediation, communication is central...and communication is the antidote to fear.
As a trained mediator, I am able to help you express yourself and talk through the fear—and this actually helps you become less afraid. Because you are in control of the process, you gain more control over your feelings. You worry less about losing the fight and losing face in front of your partner. I help you communicate and tell each other the truth and create win-win agreements. It’s a positive spiral.
When I represent you in a collaborative divorce, I’m part of a team of professionals who are all trained in helping couples come to mutually satisfying decisions. The team even includes one or two divorce coaches whose whole purpose is to coach you through the process and help you communicate effectively with one another—no matter what kind of feelings are present. We all work very hard to help you create resolutions in spite of fear, resentment, jealousy, sadness, entitlement, or whatever other natural (but sabotaging) feelings are there.
FEAR: Finances, Emotions, Assets, Reality Check
One way I like to look at FEAR is as an acronym for planning, organizing decisions, and maintaining perspective throughout the mediation or collaboration process so that you can maintain control and NOT turn control over to a judge:
F – Finances. You will both need to be upfront about your income and capacity to earn, your financial needs, and how you’ll provide for your dependent children.
E – Emotions. You will both need to agree to listen to each other and not hit below the belt while you discuss the terms of the divorce. You may decide that engaging in therapy is a good way to work through difficult emotions outside of collaborative or mediation sessions.
A – Assets. You will both need to give an honest accounting of what you own and what you owe and embrace a spirit of compromise as you divide things up. Let go of doing what you think is “equal” or “fair” and instead try to be kind. If you both do that, you’ll create a win-win overall.
R – Reality Check. Everybody loses things in a divorce and both people are in pain. It’s not a misery contest. You both are starting over, and while that will be difficult and sad, it is also an opportunity for new beginnings. Nothing that happens in a courtroom or during the divorce process will wipe away all the pain, and there is no magic wand to ensure justice, fairness, or a victory. You’ll both be making a transition into a new phase of life, and you will be okay.
FEAR: What Does It Mean, Really?
As you go through this journey, consider embracing one of the optimistic meanings of FEAR:
> FEAR – For Everything A Reason
> FEAR – Face Everything And Rise
> FEAR – Feel Excited And Ready!
I would be honored to help you along this path as you end one chapter of your life and begin a new one. Please reach out to schedule a consultation whenever you are ready.
Learn more about collaborative divorce.
Learn more about mediation.
How Do California Judges Award Spousal Support in a Divorce?
I recently met with a very nice gentleman for a consultation. Unfortunately, after 12 years of marriage, he and his wife were in serious discussions about divorce, attempting to come to a resolution together about how to divide assets and property and how much spousal support he should pay her.
It wasn’t surprising to hear that they were having difficulty coming to a compromise. She requested a certain monthly amount for spousal support, and he was unsure about whether the amount was fair, whether he could afford it, and how long he would have to pay it.
He was hoping I could give him some good news. He had already resigned himself to the possibility of needing to “let a judge decide” if they couldn’t reach an agreement on their own. He thought there might be some sort of clean calculation that could be done, in a spreadsheet or with a computer program, where we could just punch in some numbers and find out what the judge was likely to order.
If only it were that simple! If it were just about math, reaching financial agreements during the dissolution of a marriage wouldn’t be so difficult and contentious. But it’s not just about math.
He had been the primary breadwinner throughout the marriage. She occasionally sold handcrafted jewelry that had brought in a small, inconsistent second income over the years. She had quit school a decade earlier to raise their children. There was no question he was going to be paying spousal support—and he wasn’t upset about it. He just wanted to know how much and for how long?
He thought he had heard somewhere that spousal support is usually paid for half the length of the marriage. I’ve heard this many times over the years, and it simply isn’t true. How a judge decides on the length of time and the amount is far more complex than that.
California Family Code section 4320 lays out fourteen factors a judge must consider in ordering spousal support. I encourage you to visit the actual text of the law, but for simplicity’s sake, here is a basic explanation of the 14 factors, as I explained them to him:
1. Does she have the earning potential to maintain the standard of living you provided during the marriage?
2. Did she put you through school or otherwise help you establish your career?
3. How much spousal support can you afford to pay? (This isn’t just about salary—it includes consideration of your earning capacity, earned and unearned income, assets, and standard of living.)
4. What are each of your needs based on your current standard of living?
5. What financial obligations, assets, and property belong to each of you?
6. How long were you married?
7. Can she engage in gainful employment without negatively affecting your children?
8. How old and how healthy are you both? (This question encompasses both physical and mental health.)
9. Is there evidence of domestic violence between the two of you or against your children?
10. What would be the immediate and specific tax consequences for each of you with the awarding of spousal support?
11. What would be the “balance of the hardships” for each of you? (Neither party is allowed to be a big winner while the other is a big loser.)
13. Has either of you been convicted of the crime of spousal abuse?
Now, I went out of order because now I want to point out two of the 14 items that are very important:
Item (L) is the one that many people misinterpret because it mentions “one-half the length of the marriage.” But when you read it in its entirety, you see it opens a very wide door:
The goal that the supported party shall be self-supporting within a reasonable period of time. Except in the case of a marriage of long duration as described in Section 4336, a “reasonable period of time” for purposes of this section generally shall be one-half the length of the marriage. However, nothing in this section is intended to limit the court’s discretion to order support for a greater or lesser length of time, based on any of the other factors listed in this section, Section 4336, and the circumstances of the parties. [emphasis added]
In other words, the goal is NOT for one person to support the other person forever. There is an expectation that “within a reasonable period of time,” the person being supported will no longer need the support but will be “self-supporting.” And as a guideline, that period of time would be about half the length of the marriage. But—and this is a BIG but—the courts can make any determination they see fit.
And we all know couples where one person has been receiving spousal support for decades. It happens.
Then we’ve got item (M), the last factor the judge will consider--
14. Any other factors the court determines are just and equitable.
If this reminds you of being granted three wishes and using the third wish to wish for unlimited wishes, that’s because it’s very much like that.
As you can see, the courts have extremely wide discretion in making determinations about awarding spousal support. Judges MUST consider 13 factors and the last factor encompasses anything and everything else they might possibly want to include!
As you can imagine, the gentleman who came to me for help left with important information, but NOT with the comfort and reassurance he was seeking.
The advice I gave him is the same advice I give everyone who is considering a divorce--
If you and your partner can embrace a spirit of compromise, work out an agreement yourself rather than turn things over to a judge. Through a collaborative divorce process or a mediated divorce, both parties have more control and more ways to negotiate and reach a mutually satisfying outcome.
My experience is that not only will both parties be happier with the resolution, but they will both be more likely to hold up their end of the bargain later. That means less friction, less fighting, fewer follow-up court appearances, and much happier children.
If you’d like to discuss your personal situation and find out if collaborative divorce or mediation is a good solution for you, please schedule a consultation with me today.
Learn more about collaborative divorce.
Learn more about mediation.
Collaboration and Divorce: The Pros and Cons
Can two people ending a marriage really cooperate to create good outcomes for themselves and their children? It isn’t easy, but it can be done—especially if they use the collaborate divorce process.
As tempting as some may find the idea of hiring a ruthless bulldog lawyer and going after the other person for everything they’ve got, divorce is tough enough without purposefully trying to cause more hurt. And if there are children involved, it’s even more important to keep conflict and anger to a minimum.
If you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse are willing to approach the divorce process with openness and a desire to compromise, a collaborative divorce can have many positive benefits for you, your partner, and your children. The “full” collaborative team consists of the two parties, two attorneys, two trained “coaches” (one for each party) or one “neutral” coach (if you so choose) to facilitate effective communication, a neutral financial consultant, and a child specialist to serve as the voice of your dependent children.
Here are just a few of the major advantages in choosing collaborative divorce over a traditional “courtroom” divorce.
Better Overall Outcomes for Everyone
Because a collaborative divorce requires that both parties come together in a spirit of cooperation, negotiations are often less adversarial than in a traditional divorce process. The voluntary nature of a collaborative divorce makes it far more likely that you’ll both be starting off on the right foot—with an eye toward compromise and securing a win-win agreement.
Stops the Revolving Door of Returning to Court
One of the frustrating things about divorce can be when you think it’s all over but your ex-spouse refuses to honor agreements already made. This often opens up an endless cycle of fighting and going back to court, which is expensive and emotionally draining. But with a collaborative divorce, decisions are made jointly by both parties—not mandated by a judge—which often results in everyone trying a lot harder to follow through on their commitments without putting up a fight.
Happier Kids (this one is big!)
The collaborative divorce process gives children a much stronger voice than in a traditional divorce process. A child specialist will speak with your kids and find out their concerns and preferences and then act as their advocate during the negotiation process. As you can imagine, this critical component can really help dampen down the hostility and adversarial dynamic that sometimes exists between two parents who each think they know better than the other what is best for the children. Consider, too, that in a traditional divorce, a judge often makes important decisions about critical issues like visitation and child support, and he or she will do so without knowing you or your children on a personal level. But in a collaborative divorce, you and your spouse work together to make decisions you know will be best for the health and happiness of your most treasured concern, your children.
A Streamlined Process at Your Preferred Pace
Because you’re not beholden to the schedule of the court, you can move the process along at your own pace. You won’t waste time waiting to be scheduled to see the judge, waiting for your case to be called, waiting for your next hearing, and so on. Avoiding all these logistical delays can really help reduce everyone’s stress as well. Move quickly if you both want resolution as quickly as possible, or move more slowly if you need more time to deal with difficult emotions, give your children additional time to adjust, or for any other reason.
More Privacy and Confidentiality
When you go through a collaborative divorce process, much less of your private information becomes publicly available than if you go through litigation. The details of the conversations among you, your partner, and other team members are kept confidential, and no final paperwork is filed with the court unless and until both parties agree to the language used.
Often Less Expensive
In many cases, a collaborative divorce is cheaper than going the traditional litigation route. Even though there are more professionals involved—all of whom need to be paid—the process often is smoother and can completed more quickly that when the two parties are fighting to win in court.
Are There Any Potential Downsides to a Collaborative Divorce?
The list above explains just a few of the reasons you may want to seriously consider using the collaborative divorce process. In my many decades as a family law attorney, I have consistently witnessed that couples who choose this option experience a smoother separation and less conflict during negotiations and even after an agreement is reached.
That’s not to say a collaborative divorce is for everyone, or that it’s necessarily a perfect solution for you and your family. Here are some things to consider:
You can only use the process if both of you agree to it. You don’t have to get along or agree on everything (if you did, you probably wouldn’t be divorcing), but you DO both have to commit to a spirit of cooperation and compromise in your negotiations. If one person isn’t interested, or won’t stay committed to the process, it won’t work. Also, if you are not committed to having mature conversations in a business-like setting, but instead insist on speaking negatively about your former partner during the meetings, it would not be a good fit for you.
If you don’t trust your spouse to be honest about finances, it could put you at risk. Because this is a voluntary process, both parties must agree to be completely forthcoming about financial assets and debts—and it’s based on the honor system. You’ll have a mutual financial expert to help with negotiations and ask for additional documentation, but because there’s no court-ordered financial discovery process (subpoenas to obtain documents from third parties) in a collaborative divorce, honesty is essential.
A collaborative divorce isn’t always the cheaper option in the short run. In fact, sometimes it’s more expensive (but certainly not always). You’ll be working with your chosen team of collaborative professionals, all of whom will be charging for their time. It’s up to you and your spouse how many experts to involve, but at a minimum, you should expect to have two attorneys. Then you could agree as necessary to add a neutral divorce coach, and a neutral financial expert--and if you have children, a child specialist. (Still, even if the short-term expenses seem higher, remember that you can move the process as quickly as you both agree to, and since you’ll both be more likely to be satisfied with the outcome, you’ll save money in the long run by avoiding further fighting in court.)
If you can’t reach an agreement, you’ll have to have another attorney for court hearings. At the outset of the collaborative divorce process, the parties agree that if either spouse backs out or if the couple is unable to reach an agreement, the process will end and a traditional litigation divorce process will begin. You’ll have to get new attorneys; however, the disclosure documents you have already exchanged will be helpful to your new attorney who would pick up where you left off. One important thing to note is that your collaborative attorneys are highly motivated to help you reach an agreement through collaboration, even if it is on a few of the issues, leaving one or two issues for the judge to decide for you.
The Bottom Line: It’s an Option Worth Exploring
Overall, the potential benefits to a collaborative divorce make it an option well worth considering. I’ve seen my clients who go this route secure far better outcomes for everyone in the family than most of those who take the traditional litigation route. The best way to make the determination if it’s right for you is to talk to an experienced collaborative divorce attorney who will take the time to learn about your specific situation and give you thoughtful advice. Contact us today for a confidential conversation.